unplugged

Inhale.

Who are you? You share no resemblance to the friend I once knew (let alone the person.) I take enough responsibility for the way that you are but you hurt me and when confronted you turned around and did it again. Intentionally. Your priorities are not in order--I would have found a way to be there if it had been you in the very same position. I find it ironic that you're all about "selfless love" and "giving," yet you're the most selfish person I know. Where were you on Thanksgiving? What about on Christmas? Who are you? I don't miss you. Should I? Am I supposed to? This is new to me. No, not the part where I lose the friend but the part where I'm blissfully indifferent towards the loss. I think about you every single day. Believe it or not, you have a huge impact on every choice I make these days. I weigh my decisions not on a scale filled with pros and cons, but rather of how proud I would make you versus how disappointed you would be in me. I know that's foolish considering our lives have been split apart, but it's the truth. I love you. Switching gears. Keep up. Do you think I enjoy being this way? Do you think it makes me happy to hurt the people I love and (used to) care about? It doesn't. I don't enjoy making people feel as badly about themselves as I do about me. I didn't choose to be this way. I much prefer the girl who "loves everybody and everything!" Unfortunately, reality grabbed that girl by the neck and choked the life (and love) (and patience) (and compassion) out of her. We all have our stories, our reasons for acting the way that we do--and you guys are a big part of mine. You are arrogant, and you are controlling. Sound familiar? I know your secret; I stumbled across it. I could lie and say I didn't mean to, but I did. Of course, that's not the truth I expected to find... but now I know. I wouldn't consider my knowledge blackmail necessarily. I'm above that. Ideally, we would talk all the time and be together all the time and share secrets and popcorn but unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world. I just wish the truth would do what it does best and stop hiding so I could do the same. In a way, I'm sorry that I know the truth because I look at you differently now. You are not the person I thought you were. You are emotionally and spiritually weak, and instead of being burdened to help you grow stronger, I find myself frustrated. Why can't you just say no? What is wrong with you? Who are you? But then again, we tend to envision ourselves reacting differently to difficult situations and I know that it's never as easy as previously imagined. I have never met you, yet I am inspired daily by your words and actions. I wanted so badly to be like you for so long, and now, I am. But I want my life back. I don't want to pretend to be you anymore. We both lost. Ironic, huh? And, like, okay. "Love is, like, the greatest feeling in the whole entire world!" Sure. I'll give you that much. But, like, what happens when it's, like, over? Silence. You are a spoiled brat. You are so in love with yourself, and I cannot for the life of me figure out why. You are in for a very rude awakening--hopefully sooner rather than later. You are selfish and hurtful and you don't care about anyone but yourself. Wait, isn't that what selfish means? Nevermind. I feel you're still genuine, but I'm not sure how much longer you'll remain that way given your living situation. I hope you'll stay authentic (towards me) for as long as possible. I realize that's an unrealistic wish coming from me, but I wish you the best in life anyway. You're the root of it all--the bad seed, some might dub you. What did I ever do to you? I'm sorry. It must be the fact that I didn't say "please" and "thank you" enough. Wait, no. That couldn't be it. My last minute wardrobe malfunction, maybe? Hmph. You'll get yours. I know your secret, too. It would ruin your "highly esteemed" reputation, but once again, I'm above that. I've been meaning to tell you this for awhile now, but the reason I quit showing up is plain and simple: I don't feel that I can trust you anymore. You haven't directly given me a reason to feel this way, but I'm smart and I know how this game works. I'm sorry if that hurts you or disappoints you, but that's just how I feel. (That sounds familiar! Ouch!) You care about me and my life because it's part of the job description. I make you look good, right? I love you; you loved me even when I was virtually unlovable. I owe you one. Thank you for caring enough about my future to speak up. I value your opinion more than I can describe. You're the only person I know who fits all three of my criteria. Congratulations. I feel that you've thrown your life away. You had so much potential, and I know you're happy now, but consider your life ten years down the road. You could have done so much! I love you infinitely. I'm sorry I put you in that position for such a long time. I swear, I never thought that I was wrong. If I could go back and change my actions, I would do it in a heartbeat. But, once again, we don't live in a perfect world so you'll have to settle for a heartfelt apology that you'll never actually receive and a handful of my regret. I know you well enough to know you never loved me. I still have so much left to say to you. I know that we're "friends" and what I did to you was wrong and incredibly hypocritical. After all, I am the spokesperson for loyalty in relationships. I wish I could tell you I'm sorry and mean it, but I can't. I don't feel a bit of remorse for what I did. As for you--you're my dirty little secret. You're the antithesis of anything I would ever consider, but it's been fun. You only like me when it's convenient for you. I wouldn't call you a stable friend, but I can be the same way at times so let's call the scores even. I don't know what I did to deserve a friend like you, but I'm so grateful. You love me so much and it amazes me that you're able to find any good left in me at all. You, too. I love you! You've shown me what true friendship is all about. I'm going to miss you the most. I know that it was a "false alarm," but it still shook me up pretty badly. It was real for me, and that's a feeling I thought I had kissed good-bye during eighth grade. I was really working on it, but you messed up again. I'm wondering if putting my faith in you again is a safe bet; I'm betting not. And I know you "didn't mean it," but it meant something to me. It's going to take some time before things go back to our considered "normal." You lied to me. Silence might seem awkward for anyone else, but I think we pull it off beautifully. Words and conversation are when things seem to get tangled up and artless for us. I wish I was still able to recognize you. You've sold me the idea that you don't find it worthwhile to impress others countless times, yet you've faultered in expressing every thing you passionately believe(d in.) You were dedicated. You had faith. What happened? Who are you?

Exhale.
I can breathe again.

I've never been the type to worry about or pay much attention to life's minuscule details but there are exceptions to every rule and I, for once, admit to being completely and utterfly terrified.

On the bright side, I am thankful for the best friend God snuck into my life when I wasn't paying attention. I'm also thankful for calculators--honestly, who wants to do all that math by hand?

As I was cleaning my room tonight, I stumbled across the notebook I wrote in during the Pure Freedom retreat a few weeks ago.

I made a list of women in my life I considered to be "M.O.R.E."

Making right choices currently
Older and wiser
Readily accessible--she can watch you and you can watch her
Excited to burn for you

The list I created included my grandmother, Mrs. Dodds, Miss Jennifer, Mary, Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Nye, Miss Barb, etc... and then it hit me. I have plenty of best friends. It's no secret that I have expressed many feelings of loneliness and isolation lately. Looking back, I have to pose this question: "Self, were you smoking crack? What was the matter with you?" Just because these women are 20-30 years older than me or married with children doesn't make our friendships any less valuable. If anything, our friendships have been strengthened by their wisdom and understanding of things I've experienced. These women have been where I am, and they have turned out (more than) okay. They made it. It's such a relief to realize that I do, in fact, have people in my life I can trust... people who love God more than anything and people who really, truly understand.

I had also made a list of the traits and qualities I want my future husband to have. Most girls at the retreat wrote long lists, very much in detail. My list, however, was short. There are only three specific things I am looking for (I'm not picky; it doesn't take much to make me a happy camper.)

1. Loves God more than me (and everything in his life, always)
2. LOYAL! to our family and to God, no matter what
3. Honest with me, always, even if the truth hurts or is unpleasant (omission is still lying!)

Another light bulb popped on. I can't think of a single person who fits my criteria. I refuse to settle for two out of three when I know God is planning something (someone) really, really great for me. I'm going to wait. I'm going to let my Heavenly Father finish what He started. I'm going to let go and let God write the rest of my love story. After all, only He knows my perfect ending.

(Being friends with you is like being friends with a straitjacket.

I'm human. I make mistakes. Actually, I make a lot of mistakes. I'm not perfect, but neither are you. I just need some air. You're suffocating me and the only thing I can ever think to say is "I'm sorry."

But why should I be sorry for all of your mistakes?

Please let me breathe. I feel like you only love me if I do the "right thing." If I choose the wrong path, you want absolutely nothing to do with me and you don't bother hiding it. I can't take it; I can't take it; I can't take it! I'm gasping for air. I'm choking, and I just need to breathe.)

I cannot wait until the day where my first thoughts every morning aren't, "Wow. It was a year ago today that (fill in the blank.)" I anticipate I'll finally be there mid-January, maybe sooner. On the bright side, after all of this is over I'll be able to look at every other situation I face in life with the knowledge and experience that there are always worse things that could happen to a person and I'll be just fine.

Thomas Imel died today. He turned 17 yesterday.

When Mrs. Ellis came on the intercom and solemnly instructed all teachers to check their e-mail, I knew. I looked around the computer lab and watched my classmates' faces tense up in fear and begin to distort. They knew, too. And so my Biology teacher quietly shut the door. And she told us Thomas passed away. And many students began sobbing uncontrollably. And they left. And the "unaffected" returned to their work.

When Sascha died, it was different for me because I didn't have a face to match the name. His death felt like another statistic, another tradegy. But this feels real. I didn't know Thomas very well. I've had a handful of math classes with him over the years and his best friend's locker was right next to mine last year. So, you could say I'm used to seeing him around.

Time, yet again, has come to an abrupt halt for me. The world feels different. There are teachers with one less student, and classmates with one less friend. Parents with one less child. There is someone who will never graduate high school, someone who will never feel the anxiety and excitement of filling out college applications and someone who will never marry. There's someone who will never know that Senator Barack Obama became President Barack Obama last night (another topic for another day.)

I understand the (seemingly) bottomless sorrow of losing someone you love. But at the same time, I understand that everything God does is purposeful and done with love. I also understand that when we're smack-dab in the middle of grief, it's so hard to see the goodness of God's perfect plan. But it's there.

God will carry us through these difficult trials if we choose to rely on Him. He's the only true source of comfort, peace, courage and strength for us. For so many of you, I know it seems impossible to exist in a world where Thomas does not--but it'll be okay. You will be okay. You might not ever "get over" it.. but you'll get used to it.

Steven Curtis Chapman couldn't have said it any better in the verse he added to "Yours" after the death of his 5-year-old daughter, Maria Chapman, in May.

Still even here in this great darkness

A comfort and a hope come breaking through

As I can say in life or death, God, we belong to You

I've had somewhat of an epiphany. Now, this happened a few days back, but I feel I should reprimand myself publically for the many, many attitude faults I've been exhibiting lately. (Perhaps some of you will sleep better tonight.) It happened while I was in the shower, singing the well-known hymn "Rejoice in the Lord." I sing in the shower often, but for some reason, the words to this song really spoke to me. The song reminded me of so many truths I hadn't necessarily forgotten, but rather had abandoned. Par exemple:

1. "God never moves without purpose or plan." (God has a specific purpose for everything He does, and everything He leads us to do. If He didn't have a reason for some of the things He does, He would be cruel. I don't know about you, but the God I serve is anything but cruel--everything He does is good. Because of that, I can always rest in the fact that He knows what He's doing and there is, in fact, a reason.)
2. "Give thanks to the Lord, though your testing seems long.. in darkness, He giveth a song."
3. "I bowed to the will of the Master that day, then peace came and tears fled away."
4. "Now, I can see testing comes from above. God strengthens His children and purges in love!"
5. "When I am tried and crucified, I shall come forth as gold."

After I got out of the shower, I felt this deep urgency to make things right with God. To fill you in, I couldn't tell you when the last time I read my Bible was. Or really, really prayed. I didn't realize that distancing myself from everyone around me also caused me to distance myself from God. Even after realizing all of this, I'm still not sure if I can open my heart up to God and hide it from others. I just don't know if those are two events that can coexist in my life, but I'm going to give it a shot.

My attitude lately has been rotten, and I know that a lot of people around me have picked up on that. I'm acknowledging that it's been wrong. I am not proud of the way I have been acting, but at the same time, I won't deny it. I feel that when someone you love hurts you, you have every right to be angry. That doesn't, however, give you the right to be cruel towards others, and it doesn't give you the right to wallow in self-pity. That's what I've been doing. It's much easier than facing the truth. The fact that "I'm human" isn't an excuse for my behavior. Yes, I am human, and yes, I am a sinner because of that. But I know better. I heard somewhere that dubbing a situation hopeless is like slamming the door right in the face of God. I see a lot of truth in that.

I am a leader, not a follower. With a title like that, it's safe to assume a lot of different people study me and watch how I react to certain situations. It's entirely possible I've disappointed many of you with the way I chose to react--I've disappointed myself. It's always easier to picture ourselves reacting to something devastating in a tactful, composed manner. It's always easier when the shoe is on the other foot, no? I'm confident in saying that unless heartbreak is something you've personally experienced (and it's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy,) you have no idea what it's like. Nevertheless, I won't use that as an excuse anymore.

I rest in the fact that the God I serve is a just God. God is loyal to those who love Him and who glorify Him. It's not our job to be vengeful. I know that God will take care of this situation in the most honorable way possible--but I have faith that those who have been unfaithful to Him will learn their lesson the hard way.

(We've already been there and done that, but what you did to me was unprovoked, unkind, and flat-out wrong. So, just for old times sake, I know that you're not sorry, but I forgive you anyway.)

Consider this a public declaration of my remorse and gained understanding. Consider this proof that I know the difference between right and wrong. Consider this a reason to hold me accountable if my attitude isn't where it needs to be from now on. Lastly, consider this an apology to anyone who feels he/she deserves one from me.

None of you meant to hurt me, or at least that's the story you're sticking to. But you did. Please (I insist) refer to my previous entry describing how I feel about lying and how I feel about those who foolishly choose to lie to me. You know, I've always been able to walk away from most relationships in my life unaffected either way. Personally, I think that's the best "people skill" I've ever acquired. I won't fall for it next time. For the time being, I opt to remain comfortable in my happily-guarded home of cynicism. (Don't feel bad--you did me a favor. Really.)

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore

When I was in the fourth grade, I made an envelope out of pieces of paper stapled together and I colored the words "Jessica's Mailbox" on it. I taped it to my bedroom door. Every day, I raced home from the bus stop to see if I received any "mail." And every day, I discovered little notes written by my dad that always made my day.

I had a really hard day yesterday; it was awful before I even climbed out of bed. When I got home from school, I found a pack of gum lying on my pillow with a note duct-taped to it:

"Jessie,
Hope you had a good day. Love you lots.
Dad! :)"

I really, really love my dad. It has taken me a long time to say that, but it's true.

My unfortunate sense of brand spankin' new apathy is derived from the fact that despite my being an optimist, I don't believe there are many genuine people these days. Everything has changed. I no longer believe in transparency (among other things.)

I understand that everybody lies. We're all sinners; we're all imperfect; and we all bend the truth sometimes. However, I do not have any patience, tolerance, or respect for those who habitually lie. "A righteous man hateth lying (Proverbs 13:5.)" I am unable to wrap my mind around the concept of lies. Why do we lie? There is Someone who knows our every thought and action. We can't lie to God, and nobody else's opinion should matter to us. If you are doing (or planning to do) something you know you'll have to lie about later, it's probably not something you should be doing in the first place. What's the purpose? I have to wonder why people lie to me specifically (please excuse my arrogance.) I am extremely insulted when those around me underestimate my ability to discover the truth. To clear up any confusion, omission (defined as the act, fact, or state of leaving something out) is still considered lying. The truth will come out eventually; it always does. Truth is annoying-ly persistent like that. I know it's been said that we shouldn't reward people for doing things they are expected to do, but I reward honesty. If someone is honest with me, no matter how disgusting and ugly the truth might be, I tend to be much more understanding. The same concept applies to God. Be truthful with Him. Repent for lying, and repent for whatever you lied about. Ask for His forgiveness. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9.)"

And just for the record: I know the difference between right and wrong, and because I am a spokesman for Jesus Christ, I choose to acknowledge that difference. If that makes others look at me as "judgmental," so be it. I refuse to be okay with wrong behavior.

And something else to add to that record: I will survive. I'm "persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:9.)"

"Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh"

I tend to laugh.

I laugh when I hear the punch line to a good joke. I laugh when I trip. Or mispronounce a word like "tetanus." Or spill Windex all over the conveyer belt. I laugh when I win. And I laugh when I lose. I laugh when I'm nervous or in an uncomfortable situation. I laugh when I don't know what else to say. I laugh when I feel like sobbing. I laugh when I feel pressured, or when I'm stressed. I laugh when I think about how much you have disappointed me. I laugh loudly and frequently. And sometimes, I laugh for no reason at all.

I laugh.

I have no integrity when it comes to driving. I was speeding like nobody's business on the way to church tonight when I saw a cop in my rear view mirror. I slowed down immediately. It's funny how differently we act when we know someone is watching. We get roped into so many different sins because we think nobody can see what we're really looking at when we're surfing the Internet or what we choose to do in the privacy of our bedrooms. But God sees everything we do, and He knows every thought that scampers through our minds. God is watching me when I run stop signs and He knows that I rarely utilize my turn signals. Would you watch that show every week if Jesus was physically sitting on the couch next to you? We can't see him, but He is there. Would you sing along with that song on the radio or laugh at that kind of joke if you knew Jesus was riding shotgun? Because He is. Would you lead your mother to believe you're going one place when you're really going somewhere else if Jesus was standing next to you? Because He's right there. Matthew 1:23 reveals to us that His name actually means "God with us." How do you act when (you think) nobody is watching?

In other news:

I am going to invest in a good pair of ear plugs;

I have been blessed with an extraordinary support system;

And I really, really like the song "True Love" by Phil Wickham.

I would like to give a brief shout out to sophomore me. Sophomore me seemed to realize a lot of important things about life that senior me forgot. Oops.

(I made a list of 50 "life lessons" I had learned throughout the course of 2006. It's too bad I forgot most of them or perhaps things might have ended differently.) (Shrugs shoulders.)

For example,

1. Nobody is who they say they are.

2. If you aren't going to buy Double Stuf Oreos, you shouldn't buy Oreos at all.

3. Some songs will never get old while some songs will never be cool.

4. Loyalty will always be the most important quality someone can have.

5. Be careful who you trust.

6. Don't ever hold onto something just because it's "comfortable."

7. Always trust your instincts. They're never wrong.

8. If you have feelings for someone, tell them!

9. If you don't have feelings for someone, and they're under the impression that you do, tell them.

10. Appreciate everyone, and never take your friends for granted.

11. Sometimes you have to take things into your own hands to see that they get done the right way.

12. Don't be naive. Always forgive, don't ever forget.

13. The only thing fortune cookies are good for is making people too hopeful. They're often too good to be true.

14. No matter how powerful you think you are, there is always somewhere out there who is more powerful than you and they won't waste an opportunity to remind you of that.

15. Believe in karma.

16. Sometimes the battles you know you'll lose are the only battles worth fighting.

17. Don't laugh until you're ready to.

18. The people you choose to surround yourself with have a huge impact on the decisions you make, whether you realize it or not.

19. Promises you don't make are promises you can't break!

20. Always look at the big picture.

21. Leave everything better than you found it.

22. You don't always get a second chance. Do things right the first time around.

23. Show cheerfulness, even when you don't feel it.

24. Some things are better left unsaid. Period.

25. Pain is inevitable. Misery is an option.

26. Don't look back. Don't waste your time on memories because, chances are, things will never go back to the way they used to be.

27. Even when you try to deceive her, your mother will always know where you are and what you're doing.. especially if you're doing something wrong.

28. Sleeping your problems away won't fix anything. The situation will still be there when you wake up.

29. You can only use the element of surprise once. After that, you have to use brains and skill.

30. Don't compare yourself to the best others can do. Compare yourself to the best you can do.

31. It's not what happens to people that's important. It's how they handle it that matters.

32. There are always two sides to every story.

33. Control your attitude or it will control you.

34. Sometimes when you're angry, you have every right to be. But that doesn't give you the right to be cruel.

35. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you.

36. Maturity is something that has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

37. No matter how good a friend someone is to you, he is going to hurt you every once in a while and you just have to forgive him for that.

38. The world doesn't stop for anybody's grief.

39. It's good to be different. :)

40. Just because two people argue doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because two people don't argue doesn't mean they do.

41. Don't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

42. Self-control is often the glue that holds everything together.

43. Think before you speak.

44. Nobody's perfect.

45. The word "love" will lose it's value when overused.

46. Money doesn't buy class. And it sure won't buy you happiness.

47. You'll never really appreciate what you had until it's gone.

48. Ignoring the facts won't change the facts.

49. Revenge isn't ever as satisfying as you want it to be (especially if you've got a conscious like mine!)

50. "Always love, hate will get you every time."

And just for kicks and giggles, I would like to add a couple of things I have recently learned:

51. Actions speak louder than words. (Duh, Jessica!)

52. Forever and ever does not, in fact, mean forever and ever.

53. God doesn't make mistakes.

54. And He's always with me (Hebrews 13:5.)

Okay.

A lot of things have changed in my life recently (some good and some not-so-good.) I know "change" is an important part of life. But that doesn't mean I enjoy it. When people are as uncomfortable with change as I am, we tend to look for something familiar that we can hold onto while everything is shifting. Something that will bring us comfort. For me, that "something" is God. Despite all the chaos and confusion and fear and my flat-out misery, God won't change. God is always the same! That's a huge encouragement to me, and I'm thankful for that "attribute" of God. I think it might be my favorite.

Then we will press onward, for Christ is still the same
What He was in ages past is what He will remain
And forevermore that is what He will be
For time and for eternity
He's an unchanging Savior with an undying love
He's an unchanging Savior
Our hope, our surety

"Never make someone your everything, because once they leave, you're left with nothing," my mother once advised.

I was happy (and so in love.) She was jaded.

I rolled my eyes.

Fast forward 9 months:

I was wrong. She was right.

Hahahaha.

brb

I've noticed a lot of things about people and about life lately (it's kind of an annoying habit.) Sadly, however, I don't have enough time to write (about everything I've been learning) right now. All I'm trying to do is keep my head above the water, you know?

I'll update as soon as I get the chance.

(This verse from Philippians has been on my mind all week: "For I have learned, in whatever state I am, to be content.")

This needs to become my theme song.

I’m casting my cares aside
I’m leaving my past behind
I’m setting my heart and mind on You, Jesus

I’m reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there’s so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day

I putting my fears aside
I’m leaving my doubts behind
I’m giving my hopes and dreams to You, Jesus

I’m reaching my hand to Yours
Believing there’s so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won’t worry about tomorrow
I’m trusting in what You say
Today is the day

I will stand upon Your truth
And all my days I’ll live for You

I like my job.

Unfortunately, I have no insight or inspiration to offer today. Only honesty.

I(, like my mother,) am a creature of habit. I don't adjust well to change, and I've really been reminded of that this past week. I have good days and I have bad days. This transition is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I feel so guilty for being discouraged. When I start acting like this, Fanny tells me, "Jessica, listen to me. You aren't having any faith right now." And then she paraphrases Matthew 17:20 to me: "And Jesus said unto them, because of your unbelief, for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, remove hence to yonder place, and it shall remove, and nothing shall be impossible unto you." What's wrong with me? Why am I having such a difficult time grasping this concept?

I feel like crying all the time. And again, I have to ask, "Self, what's the matter with you?" There's nothing really to be sad about. The only loss I could possibly be grieving is the loss of how things used to be. I've never struggled so much with something so... normal. " " No matter what has been going on in my life, I've always been the person to stand up and walk away, keeping in mind the philosophy "life goes on." But that's the problem. Life is going on, but I'm not. I'm just standing here. Waiting. Waiting for what? It's like the whole world is flying by me, 200 mph. And I'm just standing here. Frozen. Unable to react.

The idea of all the different countless possibilities makes me want to vomit. I'm worried and I'm scared and I'm anxious. And I know how wrong all of that is because it's not my job to worry about my future. God is in control (this is a perfect example of how I have to remind myself of little truths like that numerous times a day) and I know that because God's will is perfect, what is meant to be will be. "Commit thy way unto the Lord. Trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass (Psalms 37:5.)" Why am I worrying? Why am I so scared? What is there to be afraid of when God's right here next to me? I always tell people not to worry about things they're unable to control... so why am I worrying?

(P.S. Pray for me. Please?)

018

I went to the library with Nikki today. I was skimming the DVD section (I've never rented a DVD from the public library in my life) and I ran across one of Rob Bell's NOOMA videos. I checked it out, and we came home and watched it.

(It was a random selection, yet) it was exactly what I needed.

"You and I have pasts, families that we come from, things that we've done, mistakes that we've made and where we've been and what we've done has shaped us into who we are today. We have to embrace our story, our history. You don't have to be proud of it, but you must claim it because it's yours. I mean only when we can own our history for what is it--the good, the bad, everything in between--can we ever begin to answer the question, "What is your name?" I mean, do you wish you were someone else? Or something else? From that family instead of your own? With those abilities instead of the ones you've been given? With that body instead of the one that's yours? What is that to you? She has her path, he has his path, they have their paths, and you have your path."

I can't change who I was or what I've done. But I will change who I'm going to be.

Contrary to popular belief(s), she has always been a good friend to me. We might not have always been the "best" for each other, but she has always been a good friend to me.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21.)"

I feel that it is my job to be completely honest with everyone who reads my blog. The truth is.. I can't handle the truth right now. I don't feel strong enough to focus on the future, let alone the present. In the meantime, I'm going to show you who I used to be and compare it to who I am now with what I know now. Reading my old journal entries makes me cringe because of how vulgar I was and because of all the different ways I mocked God and sin. Praise the Lord He loved (loves) me enough to correct my lifestyle and behavior.

March 2, 2006
"everyone i trust lies."

Everyone lies, whether I trust them or not. I shouldn't have taken it so personally. It's our sinful, human nature to embellish the truth sometimes or leave elements out of stories. I don't think that makes us bad people necessarily.. I think it makes us human. I know I (still) lie. More importantly, there's finally Someone in my life who is always truthful with me.. and that's God.

March 3, 2006
"nobody has a clean slate with me. i cant trust anybody. i hate you all."

I have a clean slate through the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe now that it's the least I can do to show other's that same respect because Jesus did. I've also learned these past few years that if you don't trust someone from the beginning, you're assuming the worst about them and that's not really fair for either of you. I know first hand that "not trusting" those around us feels safe and secure, but the real safety comes in putting our trust in God. And hate is overrated. If we claim to hate others, then the love of God is not in us. Jesus loved (loves) everyone, irregardless of (fill in the blank...) so why shouldn't we?

March 22, 2006
"and im going to be dragged off to the last place i want to be tonight....CHURCH. yeah okay... so this [stinks.]"

I had to laugh at this one. Thompson Road Baptist Church is my absolute favorite place to be in the whole world. I love every single person there, and for the most part, they love me back. I love my youth group. I love the teenagers in there, I love all the activities we do as a team, and I love the things I learn through preaching, observing, and experience. I love all of the adults there--they've set such an example for my Christian walk. It's so strange to think that there was a time in my life where I dreaded going to church.

April 12, 2006
"ive come to the conclusion that nobody really knows me. that sounds kind of cliche, but its true. and i dont mind because i dont think i want them to."

As most of you have been able to see through my writing, I believe in honesty and transparency. I used to be terrified of crying. I didn't cry for such a long time, and I avoided my problems and my feelings due to that fear. I thought that once I started crying, I might never stop. That changed this past summer. I really let people take a look inside my life. I do my best to be open with people about what I'm struggling with. And, as odd as it is, I welcome tears now. I was so numb to any sort of emotion for such a long time that I'm grateful to feel alive again (and I know how strange that sounds to anyone who has never felt that way.)

April 20, 2006
"i dont feel real anymore. sometimes its like im just existing, not living."

Until I got saved at the end of July, my life was empty. My life didn't have any meaning and there really was no purpose for me. No wonder I felt like I wasn't living! Now that I've got Christ in my heart, I know better.

April 26, 2006
"happiness gives people something to look forward to..which is a piece of hypocrisy all in itself, because nothing anybody looks forward to is good. if you ever stumble upon someone in your life who is truly happy.....its because theyre on drugs because doctors believe the only way is to drug your personality away. it doesn't make sense. why does sadness exist so strongly but happiness is fake? now, me, i wouldn't say im happy. i would say im content. i know my life is kind of [hard] but im okay with that because i know theres nothing i can do to fix it. there is a big difference between content and happiness, and its not that one doesn't exist. being content means accepting things, and either trying to change them for the better or moving on. i feel like a fake, because people think im happy. i feel so guilty!!! its not that im sad, its not that i even care. i dont care about a thing. i really wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i knew where these thoughts were coming from, because they arent me. i dont think this big and im starting to scare myself. im not depressed, nor do i want to die or anything of the sort. these feelings? they mean nothing, nothing at all."

Wow. Was I on crack? I am happier now than I've ever been in my whole entire life. God has led me to do one some of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my heart still rests in perfect peace. Even when it seems like nothing can get any worse (it always can and usually does,) I still have the biggest smile on my face because I know that Jesus Christ died for me and He CARES about what I'm going through. He cares about whether or not I'm really okay. He loves me! I matter to Him! I'm not just another teenager at another high school with another struggle. I'm important to Jesus Christ! I haven't done anything to earn that, either. And I'm so joyful (all the time!) because of all the things He has done in my life.

July 21, 2006
"that night i realized so much about life. you cant trust anyone, and you cant let anyone in, because they'll only break your heart."

I did learn a lot about life that particular day. It's true, I'm still reeling from the effects of that situation. But I'm stronger now. I am able to trust again without fear of betrayal. I'm able to open up my heart to others, and I have. It wasn't fair to stick a disloyal label on every person in my life because of one mistake made by someone who used to be very close to me. I've grown from that and I feel stronger than ever.

September 24, 2006
"this is what my myspace should really say:

'my name is jessica
im a [jerk]
i dont deserve friends
i hurt people i care about
i hate to see people cry
im always in a bad mood
and i always take it out on everyone
i never smile
and if i laugh its usually sarcastic
im not content with the life i lead because i know theres something more out there'

but i couldn't put that on there?! "

Wow #2! This description is the antithesis (Mr. Wall would be so proud) of the person I am today. By God's grace I've compeltely turned my life around. I wouldn't describe myself as a "jerk," and I don't think anyone that really knows me would either. I always try to be kind. Everyone deserves a friend. If I happen to hurt someone I love, it's not intentional. (Despite the fact that I'm finally okay with crying.. I still hate it when those around me cry. It breaks my heart a little bit.) I have my days when I'm "glass half empty" and I'm in a bad mood, but I try not to make that attitude a habit. I try to remain cheerful and optimistic. I smile and genuinely laugh all the time. And I'm more than content with my life at this point... because I do know there's something more out there. That something is God and He's given me a purpose here and a reason to live.

November 19, 2006
"i am starting to feel like life in general is pointless and it scares me. people make such a big deal out of making the best of everyday and living life to the fullest and everybody tries so hard to make it seem worth it and the only reward they get is death. it just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore"

If you're saved, in a way, this life is pointless. But only because nothing compares to the days ahead. If you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you can look forward to an eternity with Him in Heaven. I think this entry clearly proves more than any other that I didn't know God. Although I sense initial sarcasm, death really WILL be a reward for Christians because we will finally get to see Jesus face-to-face.

January 17, 2007
"sometimes, they fall short. life is funny sometimes...it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope"

That all depends on where you look. I wasn't looking in the right place for such a long period of my life. But I was right, you can find hope... hope in Christ.

To be continued...maybe.

Where did communication begin to fail us as individuals? If you love God, you don't treat people this way. Period.

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me (Micah 7:8.)"

Life isn't slowing down anytime soon. And although I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, I'm having a hard time keeping up.

In English class, I've been learning about filling my writing with reactions. "React, don't record!" Reactions are supposed to involve my opinions, my thoughts, my ideas, my views, etc. When life presents us with hardships, our reaction is that of surprise. Why? God has kept no secrets from us. He has made it very clear that while we are following the "road of life," we will face challenges. So much lies in how we react during difficult times. My peers see me at school reading my devotional during lunch and they take notice of the shirts I wear with Bible verses all over them. My friends know much I love God and they're watching me because I'm supposed to set the standard. No matter how stressful my trials are, I need to set a positive example for others that gives God the glory through my actions and through my words. Besides, struggles are so brief compared to the days ahead. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14.)"

Next time you throw a rock into a pond, pay attention to the result. The rock causes a ripple in the pond, slowly affecting every inch of that particular body of water. The same is true for the way we behave. Actions bear consequences. We fail to realize that our choices (good or bad) affect everybody around us in one way or another. Our intentions might not always match up with the intended outcome, and sometimes people we love are hurt because of that. Life isn't available in black and/or white all the time. There are unavoidable shades of gray. And we need to be more careful for that reason.

I need transparency right now. I need to be surrounded by people who aren't afraid to weep with me. I need something real, something painful. Something messy. I need someone to look at me and think something other than, "Oh, that's so sad for you, but really I'm just glad it's not happening to me."

"I'm being petty. Remind me that all is vanity?"
"Vanity of vanities; all is vanity. Whatever it is doesn't matter because you have God now."



I have been overly blessed with amazing best friends.

I'm painting my room bright purple tomorrow. You might find that a bit odd considering my room is already painted my favorite colors (pink and green.) My room and everything I had on my walls represented the "old man," an old life in which I don't want to be tied to anymore. I have a clean slate, so I figured the place I spend most of my time should have one also. "Luckily" for me, my parents agreed.

(The quotation marks were added as a reminder that I don't believe in luck. I believe in God.)

love them like Jesus

I'll make you a deal.

First of all, I'm going to pray for a revival in your heart because I don't think you know what it feels like to experience true joy in Christ. Of course, only God can know for sure. I'm only going by what I've observed. From what I can tell, you don't exhibit any of the fruits of the spirit. You don't (seem to) have a genuine want to learn more about Jesus and the Bible. And it doesn't seem that your attitude is anywhere near where it needs to be. I'll let you in on a little secret I've learned: it's not all about you, just like it's not all about me. It's about God. It is all about God, all the time, 24 hours a day. I don't think glorifying God is your number one priority and that concerns me.

In addition to prayer, I have another plan for you. I'm willing to make a trade that I consider very fair. In exchange for all the times you've put yourself smack-dab in the middle of my life and my business and for all the times you've made rude and unnecessary comments to me and about me.. I am going to love you anyway.

You see, Jesus was(/is) perfect. Nobody had any reason to hate Him, but they did. I'm nowhere near perfect. It's okay that you don't like me, despite the fact that I've done nothing but show you kindness. If I hadn't been transformed, I probably wouldn't like you either. We're both sinners (we're all sinners.) When all is said and done, I'm no different than you are.

I'm going to pray for you and continue to show you love and kindness. It's not about "what Jesus would do." No. It's about what Jesus did do.

in brokenness i can see that this was Your will for me

(I want summer back. But anyway,)

I think a lot of "unhappy" people considers themselves to be that way because they dwell on the past too deeply and too often. I admit, if I were to focus on everything that's happened these past few years, on every friendship I wish had turned out differently or how much I miss Jon, I might start to feel melancholy also.

We need to focus on the present and the future because that's where the hope lies. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1.)" Focus on what you can do for Christ and for those around you. We're only human--we're unable to change the past. We hear that all the time and I think we have become immune to how true that statement is. It's okay to reminisce every once and awhile, but it's a dangerous place to hover. I understand that moving on might seem scary and it might be a huge step out of our personal comfort zones, but I think it's certainly worth a shot when we compare it to our other choice(s.) Keep what's important--don't forget lessons learned. Instead, take those lessons and apply them to the way your life is now.

(I stole this idea from ninth grade me.

July 29, 2006

so ive been thinking about a lot of stuff lately
and i have decided one way to ensure happiness is...:
never look back

that probably sounds really stupid but think about it
if you sit and think about all the memories that you had with someone
memories that made you laugh and memories that were happy
and you compare those memories to what you have now
which.... well, you dont have that person at all
its going to make you sad, not only because you lost it, but because you once had it
that probably doesnt make sense
but if you sit around all day and cry and think about how great things used to be, you arent going to move on
i think all you need to focus on is the future and all the great things it can bring
dont stay stuck in the past, youll only stay there and not be able to proceed further with your life
more people need to accept that things are just never going to be the way they used to be, no matter how much you think about it
so why even bother looking back? it wont change anything, it will just make you feel [bad]

yeah, so thats my random piece of advice for the day
i dont think i explained that very well but i think everyone knows what i mean
looking back is deadly, it can kill you, inside and out
stay focused on your goals and what you really want out of life and i think youll be okay)

I am, once again, overflowing with thoughts and various observations. Try to keep up.

All my life (and especially this past year or so,) I thought I knew what it felt like to have joy in Christ. But I had no idea. The joy I've been experiencing these past two weeks or so is almost indescribable. "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost (Romans 15:13.)" It seems like no matter what type of situation I'm involved in, I'm able to find a way to smile about it and to praise God through it. I've also increased in my thankfulness. Even when I suffer, I still feel very grateful that God loves me enough to teach me a lesson. Like the Bible says in Romans 8:28, "all things work together for good." I believe that God can work through rough situations and show us something we didn't know about ourselves and those around us. When I think about how true that statement can be, my heart overflows with joy and gratitude and I can't help but smile.

When I was younger, my mom made sure me and Jared knew what to do in case of an emergency. "Listen to my instructions the first time. Don't ask why because I'll know why and I won't have time to explain it to you." People who have authority over us often know information about situations that we couldn't possibly understand. This is how it is with God. It's such an incredible truth to swallow, but God already knows everything that's going to happen in my life. He knows the things I'll struggle with, the things I'll have triumph over, and the reasons why I'll suffer. God knows what college I'm going to attend and what my major is going to be. God knows who I'm going to marry and he already knows what I'm going to name my kids. He knows everything about my future, things that I couldn't even imagine. That's why when God leads me to do something, it's very important that I obey Him. "Trust in Him at all times, ye people, pour out your heart before Him (Psalms 68:2.)" It might not be easy and I probably won't understand, but God has a plan for my life and He will reveal it in time.

I've always been under the impression that once you learn something about God or take something to Him in prayer, you don't have to do it again. I figured once was enough. However, I was very wrong. There are so many things I have to pray about and remind myself of daily to make sure my heart is where it needs to be. It's a constant restoring process. "Though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16.)" When I think about how "easy" it would be to do things I want to do and live life my own way, I remind myself that God's will is perfect. Another thing I have to tell myself over and over again is this: it's not all about me anymore. It's about God and everything I say and do should reflect that. If my motives are to impress others by glorifying myself, I need to recognize that my attitude is in the wrong place, pray about it, and change it.

God is the ultimate friend. I have recently discovered both the comfort and power of prayer. My favorite time of day is any time I get to sit down and talk to God. "As for me, I will call upon God and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon will I pray and cry aloud, and he shall hear my voice (Psalms 55:16-17.)" I love telling Him about my day, how I'm feeling, and what I'm struggling with.. even though He already knows. I can feel our relationship growing more and more every time I open my heart to Him and that's such so exciting to me.

Every time I walk past our kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, I feel sad and appreciative. I feel sad because I know that even after working a long, hard day at work, my mother will still wash them without asking any of the rest of us to lift a finger. She doesn't complain about doing the dishes every day, despite the fact that it's not her mess to clean up. At the same time, I'm appreciative because I know that I don't want to do the dishes.. and because my mom takes care of them, I don't have to. She scrubs hard and sees to it that all the food and dirt is washed away, even though she didn't dirty the plates. This directly relates to the way I feel about Jesus. I'm so sad that Jesus Christ died on the cross because of all the sins I've committed in my life. I don't think it's fair that He had to suffer for everything I've done wrong. But there's such a sense of gratitude there, too. If Jesus hadn't shed His blood for me, I'd be on my way to Hell right now without any hope of eternal life in Heaven. "In whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace (Ephesians 1:7.)" Like the dirty dishes my mom washes, Jesus washed me white as snow. He gave me a clean slate. And I know that when I stumble and when I fall, all I have to do is ask for His forgiveness and I'm wiped clean again.

edit (1:45 am:) Once we've had the privilege of coming in contact with something (we consider) special over and over again, often times we start taking it for granted. Every day, we appreciate this special gift less and less for the beautiful and precious masterpiece it is. God recognizes the error we're making and, because He loves us so much, corrects us. God takes this "thing" that we once considered such a treause away from us for awhile so that we can realize what a blessing we really had. As the popular saying goes, "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone." God is so gracious in that He tries to help us do the right thing while we still have the opportunity. Nine times out of ten, if we're able to show God we've learned from our mistake and can prove to Him we'll be more appreciative of the special things He sprinkles throughout our lives.. I believe He'll give them back.

obedience

"It's complicated." No, it's very simple actually.

Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.
Doing exactly what the Lord commands, doing it happily!
Action is the key; do it immediately. Joy you will receive.
Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.

Enough said. Disobedience brings a curse. God will never bless our lives if we don't follow His will.

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5.)"

isaiah 26:3

My daily outlook on life can be described as either "glass half empty" or "glass half full." Normally, I feel "glass half full." But today is different than most days. You see, today I'm not categorizing myself as an optimist nor as a pessimist. Today I have chosen to be realistic. I'm staring this glass down but no matter how hard I try.. all I see is a glass with some water in it.

I've got so much to say and I feel like I'll never live long enough to express everything I'm thinking.

I just got back from a two-day yearbook workshop in Marion, Indiana. I got a ton of information shoved down my throat about journalism and writing and Photoshop and theme development and InDesign and editorial leadership and cover art. After re-learning about copy as well as the use of various types of leads, captions, and headlines, I knew I had to tell the teacher everything I was thinking. I was scared, and I considered not saying anything at all. I almost walked away. But I remembered a testimony Mike Freeney gave recently and it changed my mind. "I don't know about you, but it upsets me when I'm at work and I hear somebody curse the name of my Lord and Savior," he had said. I felt this bold urgency I've never experienced before.

After class, something like this happened: "Hi! Sir, I noticed you took God's name in vain several times while you were teaching and I just thought you should know that I'm deeply offended by that because that's a name very precious to me. I don't know if you take your family to church or if you even believe in God, but I'd love for you to take this tract and read it."

I also gave out tracts to my editors and to a girl I interviewed for a writing assignment. I didn't get much of a response out of any of them, but I do hope to start up the conversations again when school starts. I had two girls from Church of Christ who believed baptism was a requirement for salvation. I explained that baptism is something you do after you get saved as an act of obedience to God. One of my editors said to me, "I didn't know you were all into the Bible and God and stuff." I smiled at the opportunity. I sat down next to her on the couch and said, "You know, I just got saved last Wednesday." She responded, "What do you mean?" Talk about God opening a door! I explained to her what being "saved" meant and how it happened for me. After that, she didn't seem too interested but I gave her a tract anyway. I also chatted with girl who described herself as "ex-Pentecostal."

Although I spent a lot of time feeling like I couldn't explain anything clearly or find any of the right references, I have faith that God will work through me to bring these girls to Him. Witnessing can be so nerve-wracking. I don't always feel like I'm "qualified" to lead someone to the Lord but at the same time I recognize that I know enough and we're all running out of time. I was scared at first, but now that I've started to get into the swing of things, I'm (more) ready (than I was) to go to school next week and tell everyone I talk to, "Hey, let me tell you about the God I serve and the change He's made in my life. Let me tell you why I know for a fact I'm going to Heaven and how you can, too."

"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31.)"

=/

I am here to serve. The moment I surrendered my life to Christ was the moment everything quit revolving around me. Right now, I need to push aside the way I feel and focus on helping my friend.

Nobody's perfect. One would think I would have caught onto that by now.

Hmm...

"Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ (2 Timothy 2:3.)"

Glad I found you here
'Cause in between the tears
Something in your eyes shows hope
And I stand before you now
As one that knows about
Coming to Him open and broken

I believe that He loves you where you are
I believe that you've seen the hands of God
I believe that you'll know it when
You're back in His arms again

I believe that He never let you go
I believe that He's wanting you to know
I believe that He'll lead you 'til
You're back in His arms again

:]

I accepted Christ as my personal Savior on Wednesday (July 23, 2008.) I'm so overwhelmed by everything I learned at camp this past week and I feel like I'm so behind in my walk with God. It's an indescribable feeling.

Long story short:
1.) I got my heart-knowledge mixed up with my head-knowledge and 2.) I took (my own advice and took) knowledge where it was offered. I have been going to Thompson Road Baptist Church since I was two years old and I've (sort of) grown up in a Christian home. All this time I have simply been observing everything going on around me. I have learned what someone who loves God is supposed to do and I've applied it to my life. But my motives were selfish. My motives weren't, "Hey! I'm gonna do this really cool thing so I can magnify how amazing my God is!" I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed in myself for wasting 17 years of my life but at the same time I'm so excited for my new life in Christ and I'm so excited to dedicate every part of my life to Him.

On the way to Northland, I was playing the liscence plate game (with myself) and an incredible thought hit me: each one of these cars is going somewhere. You're probably thinking, "Duh, okay." But that thought grew into the realization that each car actually belongs to a person or a family and those people might not be saved. As time passed, I was thinking less about whether the cars were from Wisconsin or Illinois or Michigan and more about the souls of the people driving them. I began to feel responsible for their salvation, which is almost silly because I was stuck on a bus... what was I supposed to do? Now that I'm home, I feel ready (and excited!) to spread the good news. "Go ye into all the world, and preach the Gospel to every creature (Mark 16:15.)"

It's been said that one of the key parts of camp is creating long-lasting friendships. I won't lie; I didn't even make an attempt at meeting any new people. Instead, I invested my free time getting to know my own youth group better. Proverbs 11:14 tells us that "where no counsel is, the people fall.. but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety." I never realized how blessed I am to be surrounded by friends who love God and who love each other. We all had a chance to be there for one other this week and it was so intimate and so personal and I absolutely loved every minute of it.

Bitterness was something else weighing heavily on my mind all week. Through God, I was able to turn that bitterness into something much bigger. I forgive you, even though you don't deserve it. See, here's the thing: I deserve Hell, yet Jesus Christ gave his life for mine. His blood was shed for all the terrible things I (Jessica Kane, specifically!) have done in my life. "Then came Peter to him, and said, 'Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?' Jesus saith unto him, 'I say not unto thee until seven times, but until seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22.)" I know that you're not sorry, but I forgive you nonetheless. It's not in my hands anymore.

The only statement I can use to truly sum up my week at Northland is this: "When life gives you wires, make electricity!"

Psalms 19:7 says the law of the Lord is perfect. That simple truth is enough to free me of any discouragement or fear or sadness or anger or confusion in my life. What is meant to be will be. Even though it's hard, I trust that God will take care of me. I just need to keep reminding myself that these trials are only making my testimony for Jesus Christ stronger.

edit: God answers prayer. Everything is going to be okay.

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Thought number 1: What did I do to you that is so terrible that you can't even look at me? What's your problem? I deserve an explanation (and in a perfect world, an apology as well.)

Thought number 2: Of course! I'm always willing to give it another shot. After all, Jesus forgave the people who took His life. "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34.)" What kind of example would I be setting if I wasn't willing to forgive someone who's done wrong to me?

Thought number 3: Take a look at the big picture. Things are not always as they seem, and there are two sides to every story.

Thought number 4: Just for the sake of even numbers, kadgnkldgnjklasdgnadgjklnadgjknadgjkklndg kgnajdagndgajknadgjknadgkdgjndgjndgjnadgjdg
gkadgmnkadgmsdgklmsfhmkh
;sdghsdg
lsfhmsfhkl;mfshklnmhklsfnmhsfhs56fh1sf56h4sf5hsfg4sfgasdfgladjfnga.

Okay, my thoughts are spilled.

up against the wall

When I took some time, I thought that I would be able to come home with a clean slate and a fresh start. I thought things could be different for me.. for all of us. I thought I could do this. If I turn right, there's a problem. If I turn left, there's still a problem. I can't just stand there. I have to make a choice. I try so hard to do what's best, but it seems I always pick the wrong road.

"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.... (Matthew 5:44)"

It's so hard to grasp the concept that God just may have another plan for my life. I feel like at this point, I should be able to tell whether He's telling me something or if He's just putting me through another trial. I know what I want, and what I want makes perfect sense (to me.) I know that God's law is perfect and good, but sometimes I just don't understand it. It seems like if I do things MY way and do what I want to do, then I'll be happy. It should be that simple. But the Bible says in Psalms 16:3 that we should "commit [our] works to the Lord, and [our] thoughts will be established." I know that if I do what God leads me to do, He'll fully take care of me and my life will be blessed in return. It's just so hard sometimes knowing that there is another option. This part of my life is not meant to simply teach me something. I have a hunch that this part of my life is much bigger than that. And it's scary to know that I might be wrong. "There are many plans in a man's heart. Nevertheless, the Lord's counsel--that will stand (Psalms 19:31.)"

sometimes...

Life isn't fair.
That's something I've been told my entire life, but have been especially reminded of this past month or so.
Sometimes things don't go the way you'd planned(/hoped.)
Sometimes... things get messed up. It's never really a question of who's to blame because that doesn't matter.
Sometimes people misjudge you, leading them to say untrue (and unkind) things about you.
And sometimes it hurts.

I'm human, too. I know that because of things I've overcome in my past, people expect me to always "bounce back" and be strong all the time. But "words are like weapons, they wound sometimes." I'm not perfect. I know I've made plenty of mistakes and I haven't always set the best example. I'm not denying my past. I'm acknowledging it. I want everyone to know that if I could go back, I would do everything so differently. But I can't change the things I've done. The only thing I can control is the present (and the future.) I'm doing the best I can. I am not the same person I was two years ago. The change the Lord has made in my life is incredible. If people are unable to see how different I am, it's only because they don't want to. It took me fully relying on God alone to realize I'm (finally) okay with that. After analyzing the situation from a clear perspective, I found comfort in the fact that God weighs our hearts on honest scales. God knows my integrity. That's all that matters.

Thank you (you know who you are.)
Thank you for remaining loyal to me, despite the nasty things people have said about me.
Thank you for your indescribable amounts of support and encouragement.
Thank you for taking the time to see if I was okay.
Thank you for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
Thank you for constantly setting a Christ-like example for me.
Thank you for giving me realistic, Bible-based advice when I need it.
Thank you for lending me your listening ear.
Thank you for loving me, irregardless of who I used to be.