We're not who we were.

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side, too

But I'm not who I was

I found my way around

To forgiving you

Some time ago

But I never got to tell you

I found us in a photograph

I saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was

When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

You were Romeo; I was a scarlet letter. Your daddy said, "Stay away from Juliet!"

I endeavor to savor my last few days of pure clarity and unadulterated sanity.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have reached the final countdown.

"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold, all who are incensed against you shall be put to shame and confounded. Those who strive against you shall be as nothing and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you, but you shall not find them. Those who war against you shall be as nothing at all for I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand (Isaiah 40:10-14.)"

P.S. I only have six days of high school left forever.
P.P.S. I don't think you're incapable of smiling--I just think you're incapable of feeling happy.

"You know what your problem is? I'll tell you what your problem is!"

Well, not if I can beat you to it. (In no particular order,)

1. I house too much logic all the while relying too little on faith.
2. I care too much what others think about me and too little about what my God thinks of me.
3. I have no idea how to be a friend. I only know how to need one.
4. I expect too much from those around me. My social standards are seemingly high and typically too much to ask for (loyalty, honestly, etc.)
5. I accept the love I think--or don't think--I deserve.
6. I overanalyze my past. I don't focus enough on what God has planned for my future.
7. I do, in fact, believe in love at first site.
8. I'm too independent, but at the same time, I tend to exhibit a lack of vital dependence on God.
9. I don't make time to spend alone in God's word.
10. I'm naive in that I genuinely feel love should be enough.
11. I don't have a universal self. I have a school persona, a work persona, a church persona, etc.
12. I expect my heartache to mystically dissolve when I move to South Carolina. I'm terrified of coming home for the holidays and feeling like nothing has changed.
13. I'm fluent in sarcasm, but I stumble and stutter when it comes to empathy and compassion.
14. I don't think very highly of most people in my life--myself included.
15. I could move on, and I could let go. I just don't want to.

These are my withstanding issues and this is who I claim to be. I'm flawed. Welcome to the jungle--I think it's safe to say I've got my work cut out for me.

A few weeks ago, I was lying on the cold, concrete ground surrounded by people who love me. Gazing at the twinkling stars, it hit me: there's more out there. Duh, okay. But there are opportunities somewhere with my name scribbled all over them. Somewhere out there, love and friendship and happiness exist. And, somewhere, maybe those things are authentic. Somewhere out there, somewhere around the world even, someone is laughing. I realized my life doesn't have to be defined by the thick pain throbbing constantly in my heart anymore. I can aspire higher because, despite what I may believe, I matter to God. God placed me here for a reason. I have faith that He knows what He's doing. And all of this hit me while looking at the stars.

Life has swept me off of my feet. Unexpectedly, out of nowhere, I have fallen head-over-heels in love with loving others again.