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I went to the library with Nikki today. I was skimming the DVD section (I've never rented a DVD from the public library in my life) and I ran across one of Rob Bell's NOOMA videos. I checked it out, and we came home and watched it.

(It was a random selection, yet) it was exactly what I needed.

"You and I have pasts, families that we come from, things that we've done, mistakes that we've made and where we've been and what we've done has shaped us into who we are today. We have to embrace our story, our history. You don't have to be proud of it, but you must claim it because it's yours. I mean only when we can own our history for what is it--the good, the bad, everything in between--can we ever begin to answer the question, "What is your name?" I mean, do you wish you were someone else? Or something else? From that family instead of your own? With those abilities instead of the ones you've been given? With that body instead of the one that's yours? What is that to you? She has her path, he has his path, they have their paths, and you have your path."

I can't change who I was or what I've done. But I will change who I'm going to be.

Contrary to popular belief(s), she has always been a good friend to me. We might not have always been the "best" for each other, but she has always been a good friend to me.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21.)"

I feel that it is my job to be completely honest with everyone who reads my blog. The truth is.. I can't handle the truth right now. I don't feel strong enough to focus on the future, let alone the present. In the meantime, I'm going to show you who I used to be and compare it to who I am now with what I know now. Reading my old journal entries makes me cringe because of how vulgar I was and because of all the different ways I mocked God and sin. Praise the Lord He loved (loves) me enough to correct my lifestyle and behavior.

March 2, 2006
"everyone i trust lies."

Everyone lies, whether I trust them or not. I shouldn't have taken it so personally. It's our sinful, human nature to embellish the truth sometimes or leave elements out of stories. I don't think that makes us bad people necessarily.. I think it makes us human. I know I (still) lie. More importantly, there's finally Someone in my life who is always truthful with me.. and that's God.

March 3, 2006
"nobody has a clean slate with me. i cant trust anybody. i hate you all."

I have a clean slate through the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe now that it's the least I can do to show other's that same respect because Jesus did. I've also learned these past few years that if you don't trust someone from the beginning, you're assuming the worst about them and that's not really fair for either of you. I know first hand that "not trusting" those around us feels safe and secure, but the real safety comes in putting our trust in God. And hate is overrated. If we claim to hate others, then the love of God is not in us. Jesus loved (loves) everyone, irregardless of (fill in the blank...) so why shouldn't we?

March 22, 2006
"and im going to be dragged off to the last place i want to be tonight....CHURCH. yeah okay... so this [stinks.]"

I had to laugh at this one. Thompson Road Baptist Church is my absolute favorite place to be in the whole world. I love every single person there, and for the most part, they love me back. I love my youth group. I love the teenagers in there, I love all the activities we do as a team, and I love the things I learn through preaching, observing, and experience. I love all of the adults there--they've set such an example for my Christian walk. It's so strange to think that there was a time in my life where I dreaded going to church.

April 12, 2006
"ive come to the conclusion that nobody really knows me. that sounds kind of cliche, but its true. and i dont mind because i dont think i want them to."

As most of you have been able to see through my writing, I believe in honesty and transparency. I used to be terrified of crying. I didn't cry for such a long time, and I avoided my problems and my feelings due to that fear. I thought that once I started crying, I might never stop. That changed this past summer. I really let people take a look inside my life. I do my best to be open with people about what I'm struggling with. And, as odd as it is, I welcome tears now. I was so numb to any sort of emotion for such a long time that I'm grateful to feel alive again (and I know how strange that sounds to anyone who has never felt that way.)

April 20, 2006
"i dont feel real anymore. sometimes its like im just existing, not living."

Until I got saved at the end of July, my life was empty. My life didn't have any meaning and there really was no purpose for me. No wonder I felt like I wasn't living! Now that I've got Christ in my heart, I know better.

April 26, 2006
"happiness gives people something to look forward to..which is a piece of hypocrisy all in itself, because nothing anybody looks forward to is good. if you ever stumble upon someone in your life who is truly happy.....its because theyre on drugs because doctors believe the only way is to drug your personality away. it doesn't make sense. why does sadness exist so strongly but happiness is fake? now, me, i wouldn't say im happy. i would say im content. i know my life is kind of [hard] but im okay with that because i know theres nothing i can do to fix it. there is a big difference between content and happiness, and its not that one doesn't exist. being content means accepting things, and either trying to change them for the better or moving on. i feel like a fake, because people think im happy. i feel so guilty!!! its not that im sad, its not that i even care. i dont care about a thing. i really wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i knew where these thoughts were coming from, because they arent me. i dont think this big and im starting to scare myself. im not depressed, nor do i want to die or anything of the sort. these feelings? they mean nothing, nothing at all."

Wow. Was I on crack? I am happier now than I've ever been in my whole entire life. God has led me to do one some of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my heart still rests in perfect peace. Even when it seems like nothing can get any worse (it always can and usually does,) I still have the biggest smile on my face because I know that Jesus Christ died for me and He CARES about what I'm going through. He cares about whether or not I'm really okay. He loves me! I matter to Him! I'm not just another teenager at another high school with another struggle. I'm important to Jesus Christ! I haven't done anything to earn that, either. And I'm so joyful (all the time!) because of all the things He has done in my life.

July 21, 2006
"that night i realized so much about life. you cant trust anyone, and you cant let anyone in, because they'll only break your heart."

I did learn a lot about life that particular day. It's true, I'm still reeling from the effects of that situation. But I'm stronger now. I am able to trust again without fear of betrayal. I'm able to open up my heart to others, and I have. It wasn't fair to stick a disloyal label on every person in my life because of one mistake made by someone who used to be very close to me. I've grown from that and I feel stronger than ever.

September 24, 2006
"this is what my myspace should really say:

'my name is jessica
im a [jerk]
i dont deserve friends
i hurt people i care about
i hate to see people cry
im always in a bad mood
and i always take it out on everyone
i never smile
and if i laugh its usually sarcastic
im not content with the life i lead because i know theres something more out there'

but i couldn't put that on there?! "

Wow #2! This description is the antithesis (Mr. Wall would be so proud) of the person I am today. By God's grace I've compeltely turned my life around. I wouldn't describe myself as a "jerk," and I don't think anyone that really knows me would either. I always try to be kind. Everyone deserves a friend. If I happen to hurt someone I love, it's not intentional. (Despite the fact that I'm finally okay with crying.. I still hate it when those around me cry. It breaks my heart a little bit.) I have my days when I'm "glass half empty" and I'm in a bad mood, but I try not to make that attitude a habit. I try to remain cheerful and optimistic. I smile and genuinely laugh all the time. And I'm more than content with my life at this point... because I do know there's something more out there. That something is God and He's given me a purpose here and a reason to live.

November 19, 2006
"i am starting to feel like life in general is pointless and it scares me. people make such a big deal out of making the best of everyday and living life to the fullest and everybody tries so hard to make it seem worth it and the only reward they get is death. it just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore"

If you're saved, in a way, this life is pointless. But only because nothing compares to the days ahead. If you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you can look forward to an eternity with Him in Heaven. I think this entry clearly proves more than any other that I didn't know God. Although I sense initial sarcasm, death really WILL be a reward for Christians because we will finally get to see Jesus face-to-face.

January 17, 2007
"sometimes, they fall short. life is funny sometimes...it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope"

That all depends on where you look. I wasn't looking in the right place for such a long period of my life. But I was right, you can find hope... hope in Christ.

To be continued...maybe.

Where did communication begin to fail us as individuals? If you love God, you don't treat people this way. Period.

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me (Micah 7:8.)"

Life isn't slowing down anytime soon. And although I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, I'm having a hard time keeping up.

In English class, I've been learning about filling my writing with reactions. "React, don't record!" Reactions are supposed to involve my opinions, my thoughts, my ideas, my views, etc. When life presents us with hardships, our reaction is that of surprise. Why? God has kept no secrets from us. He has made it very clear that while we are following the "road of life," we will face challenges. So much lies in how we react during difficult times. My peers see me at school reading my devotional during lunch and they take notice of the shirts I wear with Bible verses all over them. My friends know much I love God and they're watching me because I'm supposed to set the standard. No matter how stressful my trials are, I need to set a positive example for others that gives God the glory through my actions and through my words. Besides, struggles are so brief compared to the days ahead. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14.)"

Next time you throw a rock into a pond, pay attention to the result. The rock causes a ripple in the pond, slowly affecting every inch of that particular body of water. The same is true for the way we behave. Actions bear consequences. We fail to realize that our choices (good or bad) affect everybody around us in one way or another. Our intentions might not always match up with the intended outcome, and sometimes people we love are hurt because of that. Life isn't available in black and/or white all the time. There are unavoidable shades of gray. And we need to be more careful for that reason.

I need transparency right now. I need to be surrounded by people who aren't afraid to weep with me. I need something real, something painful. Something messy. I need someone to look at me and think something other than, "Oh, that's so sad for you, but really I'm just glad it's not happening to me."

"I'm being petty. Remind me that all is vanity?"
"Vanity of vanities; all is vanity. Whatever it is doesn't matter because you have God now."



I have been overly blessed with amazing best friends.

I'm painting my room bright purple tomorrow. You might find that a bit odd considering my room is already painted my favorite colors (pink and green.) My room and everything I had on my walls represented the "old man," an old life in which I don't want to be tied to anymore. I have a clean slate, so I figured the place I spend most of my time should have one also. "Luckily" for me, my parents agreed.

(The quotation marks were added as a reminder that I don't believe in luck. I believe in God.)

love them like Jesus

I'll make you a deal.

First of all, I'm going to pray for a revival in your heart because I don't think you know what it feels like to experience true joy in Christ. Of course, only God can know for sure. I'm only going by what I've observed. From what I can tell, you don't exhibit any of the fruits of the spirit. You don't (seem to) have a genuine want to learn more about Jesus and the Bible. And it doesn't seem that your attitude is anywhere near where it needs to be. I'll let you in on a little secret I've learned: it's not all about you, just like it's not all about me. It's about God. It is all about God, all the time, 24 hours a day. I don't think glorifying God is your number one priority and that concerns me.

In addition to prayer, I have another plan for you. I'm willing to make a trade that I consider very fair. In exchange for all the times you've put yourself smack-dab in the middle of my life and my business and for all the times you've made rude and unnecessary comments to me and about me.. I am going to love you anyway.

You see, Jesus was(/is) perfect. Nobody had any reason to hate Him, but they did. I'm nowhere near perfect. It's okay that you don't like me, despite the fact that I've done nothing but show you kindness. If I hadn't been transformed, I probably wouldn't like you either. We're both sinners (we're all sinners.) When all is said and done, I'm no different than you are.

I'm going to pray for you and continue to show you love and kindness. It's not about "what Jesus would do." No. It's about what Jesus did do.

in brokenness i can see that this was Your will for me

(I want summer back. But anyway,)

I think a lot of "unhappy" people considers themselves to be that way because they dwell on the past too deeply and too often. I admit, if I were to focus on everything that's happened these past few years, on every friendship I wish had turned out differently or how much I miss Jon, I might start to feel melancholy also.

We need to focus on the present and the future because that's where the hope lies. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1.)" Focus on what you can do for Christ and for those around you. We're only human--we're unable to change the past. We hear that all the time and I think we have become immune to how true that statement is. It's okay to reminisce every once and awhile, but it's a dangerous place to hover. I understand that moving on might seem scary and it might be a huge step out of our personal comfort zones, but I think it's certainly worth a shot when we compare it to our other choice(s.) Keep what's important--don't forget lessons learned. Instead, take those lessons and apply them to the way your life is now.

(I stole this idea from ninth grade me.

July 29, 2006

so ive been thinking about a lot of stuff lately
and i have decided one way to ensure happiness is...:
never look back

that probably sounds really stupid but think about it
if you sit and think about all the memories that you had with someone
memories that made you laugh and memories that were happy
and you compare those memories to what you have now
which.... well, you dont have that person at all
its going to make you sad, not only because you lost it, but because you once had it
that probably doesnt make sense
but if you sit around all day and cry and think about how great things used to be, you arent going to move on
i think all you need to focus on is the future and all the great things it can bring
dont stay stuck in the past, youll only stay there and not be able to proceed further with your life
more people need to accept that things are just never going to be the way they used to be, no matter how much you think about it
so why even bother looking back? it wont change anything, it will just make you feel [bad]

yeah, so thats my random piece of advice for the day
i dont think i explained that very well but i think everyone knows what i mean
looking back is deadly, it can kill you, inside and out
stay focused on your goals and what you really want out of life and i think youll be okay)

I am, once again, overflowing with thoughts and various observations. Try to keep up.

All my life (and especially this past year or so,) I thought I knew what it felt like to have joy in Christ. But I had no idea. The joy I've been experiencing these past two weeks or so is almost indescribable. "Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost (Romans 15:13.)" It seems like no matter what type of situation I'm involved in, I'm able to find a way to smile about it and to praise God through it. I've also increased in my thankfulness. Even when I suffer, I still feel very grateful that God loves me enough to teach me a lesson. Like the Bible says in Romans 8:28, "all things work together for good." I believe that God can work through rough situations and show us something we didn't know about ourselves and those around us. When I think about how true that statement can be, my heart overflows with joy and gratitude and I can't help but smile.

When I was younger, my mom made sure me and Jared knew what to do in case of an emergency. "Listen to my instructions the first time. Don't ask why because I'll know why and I won't have time to explain it to you." People who have authority over us often know information about situations that we couldn't possibly understand. This is how it is with God. It's such an incredible truth to swallow, but God already knows everything that's going to happen in my life. He knows the things I'll struggle with, the things I'll have triumph over, and the reasons why I'll suffer. God knows what college I'm going to attend and what my major is going to be. God knows who I'm going to marry and he already knows what I'm going to name my kids. He knows everything about my future, things that I couldn't even imagine. That's why when God leads me to do something, it's very important that I obey Him. "Trust in Him at all times, ye people, pour out your heart before Him (Psalms 68:2.)" It might not be easy and I probably won't understand, but God has a plan for my life and He will reveal it in time.

I've always been under the impression that once you learn something about God or take something to Him in prayer, you don't have to do it again. I figured once was enough. However, I was very wrong. There are so many things I have to pray about and remind myself of daily to make sure my heart is where it needs to be. It's a constant restoring process. "Though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16.)" When I think about how "easy" it would be to do things I want to do and live life my own way, I remind myself that God's will is perfect. Another thing I have to tell myself over and over again is this: it's not all about me anymore. It's about God and everything I say and do should reflect that. If my motives are to impress others by glorifying myself, I need to recognize that my attitude is in the wrong place, pray about it, and change it.

God is the ultimate friend. I have recently discovered both the comfort and power of prayer. My favorite time of day is any time I get to sit down and talk to God. "As for me, I will call upon God and the Lord shall save me. Evening and morning and at noon will I pray and cry aloud, and he shall hear my voice (Psalms 55:16-17.)" I love telling Him about my day, how I'm feeling, and what I'm struggling with.. even though He already knows. I can feel our relationship growing more and more every time I open my heart to Him and that's such so exciting to me.

Every time I walk past our kitchen sink full of dirty dishes, I feel sad and appreciative. I feel sad because I know that even after working a long, hard day at work, my mother will still wash them without asking any of the rest of us to lift a finger. She doesn't complain about doing the dishes every day, despite the fact that it's not her mess to clean up. At the same time, I'm appreciative because I know that I don't want to do the dishes.. and because my mom takes care of them, I don't have to. She scrubs hard and sees to it that all the food and dirt is washed away, even though she didn't dirty the plates. This directly relates to the way I feel about Jesus. I'm so sad that Jesus Christ died on the cross because of all the sins I've committed in my life. I don't think it's fair that He had to suffer for everything I've done wrong. But there's such a sense of gratitude there, too. If Jesus hadn't shed His blood for me, I'd be on my way to Hell right now without any hope of eternal life in Heaven. "In whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace (Ephesians 1:7.)" Like the dirty dishes my mom washes, Jesus washed me white as snow. He gave me a clean slate. And I know that when I stumble and when I fall, all I have to do is ask for His forgiveness and I'm wiped clean again.

edit (1:45 am:) Once we've had the privilege of coming in contact with something (we consider) special over and over again, often times we start taking it for granted. Every day, we appreciate this special gift less and less for the beautiful and precious masterpiece it is. God recognizes the error we're making and, because He loves us so much, corrects us. God takes this "thing" that we once considered such a treause away from us for awhile so that we can realize what a blessing we really had. As the popular saying goes, "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone." God is so gracious in that He tries to help us do the right thing while we still have the opportunity. Nine times out of ten, if we're able to show God we've learned from our mistake and can prove to Him we'll be more appreciative of the special things He sprinkles throughout our lives.. I believe He'll give them back.

obedience

"It's complicated." No, it's very simple actually.

Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.
Doing exactly what the Lord commands, doing it happily!
Action is the key; do it immediately. Joy you will receive.
Obedience is the very best way to show that you believe.

Enough said. Disobedience brings a curse. God will never bless our lives if we don't follow His will.

"Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5.)"

isaiah 26:3

My daily outlook on life can be described as either "glass half empty" or "glass half full." Normally, I feel "glass half full." But today is different than most days. You see, today I'm not categorizing myself as an optimist nor as a pessimist. Today I have chosen to be realistic. I'm staring this glass down but no matter how hard I try.. all I see is a glass with some water in it.

I've got so much to say and I feel like I'll never live long enough to express everything I'm thinking.

I just got back from a two-day yearbook workshop in Marion, Indiana. I got a ton of information shoved down my throat about journalism and writing and Photoshop and theme development and InDesign and editorial leadership and cover art. After re-learning about copy as well as the use of various types of leads, captions, and headlines, I knew I had to tell the teacher everything I was thinking. I was scared, and I considered not saying anything at all. I almost walked away. But I remembered a testimony Mike Freeney gave recently and it changed my mind. "I don't know about you, but it upsets me when I'm at work and I hear somebody curse the name of my Lord and Savior," he had said. I felt this bold urgency I've never experienced before.

After class, something like this happened: "Hi! Sir, I noticed you took God's name in vain several times while you were teaching and I just thought you should know that I'm deeply offended by that because that's a name very precious to me. I don't know if you take your family to church or if you even believe in God, but I'd love for you to take this tract and read it."

I also gave out tracts to my editors and to a girl I interviewed for a writing assignment. I didn't get much of a response out of any of them, but I do hope to start up the conversations again when school starts. I had two girls from Church of Christ who believed baptism was a requirement for salvation. I explained that baptism is something you do after you get saved as an act of obedience to God. One of my editors said to me, "I didn't know you were all into the Bible and God and stuff." I smiled at the opportunity. I sat down next to her on the couch and said, "You know, I just got saved last Wednesday." She responded, "What do you mean?" Talk about God opening a door! I explained to her what being "saved" meant and how it happened for me. After that, she didn't seem too interested but I gave her a tract anyway. I also chatted with girl who described herself as "ex-Pentecostal."

Although I spent a lot of time feeling like I couldn't explain anything clearly or find any of the right references, I have faith that God will work through me to bring these girls to Him. Witnessing can be so nerve-wracking. I don't always feel like I'm "qualified" to lead someone to the Lord but at the same time I recognize that I know enough and we're all running out of time. I was scared at first, but now that I've started to get into the swing of things, I'm (more) ready (than I was) to go to school next week and tell everyone I talk to, "Hey, let me tell you about the God I serve and the change He's made in my life. Let me tell you why I know for a fact I'm going to Heaven and how you can, too."

"Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31.)"