"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21.)"

I feel that it is my job to be completely honest with everyone who reads my blog. The truth is.. I can't handle the truth right now. I don't feel strong enough to focus on the future, let alone the present. In the meantime, I'm going to show you who I used to be and compare it to who I am now with what I know now. Reading my old journal entries makes me cringe because of how vulgar I was and because of all the different ways I mocked God and sin. Praise the Lord He loved (loves) me enough to correct my lifestyle and behavior.

March 2, 2006
"everyone i trust lies."

Everyone lies, whether I trust them or not. I shouldn't have taken it so personally. It's our sinful, human nature to embellish the truth sometimes or leave elements out of stories. I don't think that makes us bad people necessarily.. I think it makes us human. I know I (still) lie. More importantly, there's finally Someone in my life who is always truthful with me.. and that's God.

March 3, 2006
"nobody has a clean slate with me. i cant trust anybody. i hate you all."

I have a clean slate through the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe now that it's the least I can do to show other's that same respect because Jesus did. I've also learned these past few years that if you don't trust someone from the beginning, you're assuming the worst about them and that's not really fair for either of you. I know first hand that "not trusting" those around us feels safe and secure, but the real safety comes in putting our trust in God. And hate is overrated. If we claim to hate others, then the love of God is not in us. Jesus loved (loves) everyone, irregardless of (fill in the blank...) so why shouldn't we?

March 22, 2006
"and im going to be dragged off to the last place i want to be tonight....CHURCH. yeah okay... so this [stinks.]"

I had to laugh at this one. Thompson Road Baptist Church is my absolute favorite place to be in the whole world. I love every single person there, and for the most part, they love me back. I love my youth group. I love the teenagers in there, I love all the activities we do as a team, and I love the things I learn through preaching, observing, and experience. I love all of the adults there--they've set such an example for my Christian walk. It's so strange to think that there was a time in my life where I dreaded going to church.

April 12, 2006
"ive come to the conclusion that nobody really knows me. that sounds kind of cliche, but its true. and i dont mind because i dont think i want them to."

As most of you have been able to see through my writing, I believe in honesty and transparency. I used to be terrified of crying. I didn't cry for such a long time, and I avoided my problems and my feelings due to that fear. I thought that once I started crying, I might never stop. That changed this past summer. I really let people take a look inside my life. I do my best to be open with people about what I'm struggling with. And, as odd as it is, I welcome tears now. I was so numb to any sort of emotion for such a long time that I'm grateful to feel alive again (and I know how strange that sounds to anyone who has never felt that way.)

April 20, 2006
"i dont feel real anymore. sometimes its like im just existing, not living."

Until I got saved at the end of July, my life was empty. My life didn't have any meaning and there really was no purpose for me. No wonder I felt like I wasn't living! Now that I've got Christ in my heart, I know better.

April 26, 2006
"happiness gives people something to look forward to..which is a piece of hypocrisy all in itself, because nothing anybody looks forward to is good. if you ever stumble upon someone in your life who is truly happy.....its because theyre on drugs because doctors believe the only way is to drug your personality away. it doesn't make sense. why does sadness exist so strongly but happiness is fake? now, me, i wouldn't say im happy. i would say im content. i know my life is kind of [hard] but im okay with that because i know theres nothing i can do to fix it. there is a big difference between content and happiness, and its not that one doesn't exist. being content means accepting things, and either trying to change them for the better or moving on. i feel like a fake, because people think im happy. i feel so guilty!!! its not that im sad, its not that i even care. i dont care about a thing. i really wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i knew where these thoughts were coming from, because they arent me. i dont think this big and im starting to scare myself. im not depressed, nor do i want to die or anything of the sort. these feelings? they mean nothing, nothing at all."

Wow. Was I on crack? I am happier now than I've ever been in my whole entire life. God has led me to do one some of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my heart still rests in perfect peace. Even when it seems like nothing can get any worse (it always can and usually does,) I still have the biggest smile on my face because I know that Jesus Christ died for me and He CARES about what I'm going through. He cares about whether or not I'm really okay. He loves me! I matter to Him! I'm not just another teenager at another high school with another struggle. I'm important to Jesus Christ! I haven't done anything to earn that, either. And I'm so joyful (all the time!) because of all the things He has done in my life.

July 21, 2006
"that night i realized so much about life. you cant trust anyone, and you cant let anyone in, because they'll only break your heart."

I did learn a lot about life that particular day. It's true, I'm still reeling from the effects of that situation. But I'm stronger now. I am able to trust again without fear of betrayal. I'm able to open up my heart to others, and I have. It wasn't fair to stick a disloyal label on every person in my life because of one mistake made by someone who used to be very close to me. I've grown from that and I feel stronger than ever.

September 24, 2006
"this is what my myspace should really say:

'my name is jessica
im a [jerk]
i dont deserve friends
i hurt people i care about
i hate to see people cry
im always in a bad mood
and i always take it out on everyone
i never smile
and if i laugh its usually sarcastic
im not content with the life i lead because i know theres something more out there'

but i couldn't put that on there?! "

Wow #2! This description is the antithesis (Mr. Wall would be so proud) of the person I am today. By God's grace I've compeltely turned my life around. I wouldn't describe myself as a "jerk," and I don't think anyone that really knows me would either. I always try to be kind. Everyone deserves a friend. If I happen to hurt someone I love, it's not intentional. (Despite the fact that I'm finally okay with crying.. I still hate it when those around me cry. It breaks my heart a little bit.) I have my days when I'm "glass half empty" and I'm in a bad mood, but I try not to make that attitude a habit. I try to remain cheerful and optimistic. I smile and genuinely laugh all the time. And I'm more than content with my life at this point... because I do know there's something more out there. That something is God and He's given me a purpose here and a reason to live.

November 19, 2006
"i am starting to feel like life in general is pointless and it scares me. people make such a big deal out of making the best of everyday and living life to the fullest and everybody tries so hard to make it seem worth it and the only reward they get is death. it just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore"

If you're saved, in a way, this life is pointless. But only because nothing compares to the days ahead. If you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you can look forward to an eternity with Him in Heaven. I think this entry clearly proves more than any other that I didn't know God. Although I sense initial sarcasm, death really WILL be a reward for Christians because we will finally get to see Jesus face-to-face.

January 17, 2007
"sometimes, they fall short. life is funny sometimes...it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope"

That all depends on where you look. I wasn't looking in the right place for such a long period of my life. But I was right, you can find hope... hope in Christ.

To be continued...maybe.