I've had somewhat of an epiphany. Now, this happened a few days back, but I feel I should reprimand myself publically for the many, many attitude faults I've been exhibiting lately. (Perhaps some of you will sleep better tonight.) It happened while I was in the shower, singing the well-known hymn "Rejoice in the Lord." I sing in the shower often, but for some reason, the words to this song really spoke to me. The song reminded me of so many truths I hadn't necessarily forgotten, but rather had abandoned. Par exemple:

1. "God never moves without purpose or plan." (God has a specific purpose for everything He does, and everything He leads us to do. If He didn't have a reason for some of the things He does, He would be cruel. I don't know about you, but the God I serve is anything but cruel--everything He does is good. Because of that, I can always rest in the fact that He knows what He's doing and there is, in fact, a reason.)
2. "Give thanks to the Lord, though your testing seems long.. in darkness, He giveth a song."
3. "I bowed to the will of the Master that day, then peace came and tears fled away."
4. "Now, I can see testing comes from above. God strengthens His children and purges in love!"
5. "When I am tried and crucified, I shall come forth as gold."

After I got out of the shower, I felt this deep urgency to make things right with God. To fill you in, I couldn't tell you when the last time I read my Bible was. Or really, really prayed. I didn't realize that distancing myself from everyone around me also caused me to distance myself from God. Even after realizing all of this, I'm still not sure if I can open my heart up to God and hide it from others. I just don't know if those are two events that can coexist in my life, but I'm going to give it a shot.

My attitude lately has been rotten, and I know that a lot of people around me have picked up on that. I'm acknowledging that it's been wrong. I am not proud of the way I have been acting, but at the same time, I won't deny it. I feel that when someone you love hurts you, you have every right to be angry. That doesn't, however, give you the right to be cruel towards others, and it doesn't give you the right to wallow in self-pity. That's what I've been doing. It's much easier than facing the truth. The fact that "I'm human" isn't an excuse for my behavior. Yes, I am human, and yes, I am a sinner because of that. But I know better. I heard somewhere that dubbing a situation hopeless is like slamming the door right in the face of God. I see a lot of truth in that.

I am a leader, not a follower. With a title like that, it's safe to assume a lot of different people study me and watch how I react to certain situations. It's entirely possible I've disappointed many of you with the way I chose to react--I've disappointed myself. It's always easier to picture ourselves reacting to something devastating in a tactful, composed manner. It's always easier when the shoe is on the other foot, no? I'm confident in saying that unless heartbreak is something you've personally experienced (and it's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy,) you have no idea what it's like. Nevertheless, I won't use that as an excuse anymore.

I rest in the fact that the God I serve is a just God. God is loyal to those who love Him and who glorify Him. It's not our job to be vengeful. I know that God will take care of this situation in the most honorable way possible--but I have faith that those who have been unfaithful to Him will learn their lesson the hard way.

(We've already been there and done that, but what you did to me was unprovoked, unkind, and flat-out wrong. So, just for old times sake, I know that you're not sorry, but I forgive you anyway.)

Consider this a public declaration of my remorse and gained understanding. Consider this proof that I know the difference between right and wrong. Consider this a reason to hold me accountable if my attitude isn't where it needs to be from now on. Lastly, consider this an apology to anyone who feels he/she deserves one from me.

None of you meant to hurt me, or at least that's the story you're sticking to. But you did. Please (I insist) refer to my previous entry describing how I feel about lying and how I feel about those who foolishly choose to lie to me. You know, I've always been able to walk away from most relationships in my life unaffected either way. Personally, I think that's the best "people skill" I've ever acquired. I won't fall for it next time. For the time being, I opt to remain comfortable in my happily-guarded home of cynicism. (Don't feel bad--you did me a favor. Really.)

I've been here before
One day I'll wake up and it won't hurt anymore

When I was in the fourth grade, I made an envelope out of pieces of paper stapled together and I colored the words "Jessica's Mailbox" on it. I taped it to my bedroom door. Every day, I raced home from the bus stop to see if I received any "mail." And every day, I discovered little notes written by my dad that always made my day.

I had a really hard day yesterday; it was awful before I even climbed out of bed. When I got home from school, I found a pack of gum lying on my pillow with a note duct-taped to it:

"Jessie,
Hope you had a good day. Love you lots.
Dad! :)"

I really, really love my dad. It has taken me a long time to say that, but it's true.

My unfortunate sense of brand spankin' new apathy is derived from the fact that despite my being an optimist, I don't believe there are many genuine people these days. Everything has changed. I no longer believe in transparency (among other things.)

I understand that everybody lies. We're all sinners; we're all imperfect; and we all bend the truth sometimes. However, I do not have any patience, tolerance, or respect for those who habitually lie. "A righteous man hateth lying (Proverbs 13:5.)" I am unable to wrap my mind around the concept of lies. Why do we lie? There is Someone who knows our every thought and action. We can't lie to God, and nobody else's opinion should matter to us. If you are doing (or planning to do) something you know you'll have to lie about later, it's probably not something you should be doing in the first place. What's the purpose? I have to wonder why people lie to me specifically (please excuse my arrogance.) I am extremely insulted when those around me underestimate my ability to discover the truth. To clear up any confusion, omission (defined as the act, fact, or state of leaving something out) is still considered lying. The truth will come out eventually; it always does. Truth is annoying-ly persistent like that. I know it's been said that we shouldn't reward people for doing things they are expected to do, but I reward honesty. If someone is honest with me, no matter how disgusting and ugly the truth might be, I tend to be much more understanding. The same concept applies to God. Be truthful with Him. Repent for lying, and repent for whatever you lied about. Ask for His forgiveness. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9.)"

And just for the record: I know the difference between right and wrong, and because I am a spokesman for Jesus Christ, I choose to acknowledge that difference. If that makes others look at me as "judgmental," so be it. I refuse to be okay with wrong behavior.

And something else to add to that record: I will survive. I'm "persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:9.)"

"Blessed are ye that weep now, for ye shall laugh"

I tend to laugh.

I laugh when I hear the punch line to a good joke. I laugh when I trip. Or mispronounce a word like "tetanus." Or spill Windex all over the conveyer belt. I laugh when I win. And I laugh when I lose. I laugh when I'm nervous or in an uncomfortable situation. I laugh when I don't know what else to say. I laugh when I feel like sobbing. I laugh when I feel pressured, or when I'm stressed. I laugh when I think about how much you have disappointed me. I laugh loudly and frequently. And sometimes, I laugh for no reason at all.

I laugh.