=/

I am here to serve. The moment I surrendered my life to Christ was the moment everything quit revolving around me. Right now, I need to push aside the way I feel and focus on helping my friend.

Nobody's perfect. One would think I would have caught onto that by now.

Hmm...

"Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ (2 Timothy 2:3.)"

Glad I found you here
'Cause in between the tears
Something in your eyes shows hope
And I stand before you now
As one that knows about
Coming to Him open and broken

I believe that He loves you where you are
I believe that you've seen the hands of God
I believe that you'll know it when
You're back in His arms again

I believe that He never let you go
I believe that He's wanting you to know
I believe that He'll lead you 'til
You're back in His arms again

:]

I accepted Christ as my personal Savior on Wednesday (July 23, 2008.) I'm so overwhelmed by everything I learned at camp this past week and I feel like I'm so behind in my walk with God. It's an indescribable feeling.

Long story short:
1.) I got my heart-knowledge mixed up with my head-knowledge and 2.) I took (my own advice and took) knowledge where it was offered. I have been going to Thompson Road Baptist Church since I was two years old and I've (sort of) grown up in a Christian home. All this time I have simply been observing everything going on around me. I have learned what someone who loves God is supposed to do and I've applied it to my life. But my motives were selfish. My motives weren't, "Hey! I'm gonna do this really cool thing so I can magnify how amazing my God is!" I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed in myself for wasting 17 years of my life but at the same time I'm so excited for my new life in Christ and I'm so excited to dedicate every part of my life to Him.

On the way to Northland, I was playing the liscence plate game (with myself) and an incredible thought hit me: each one of these cars is going somewhere. You're probably thinking, "Duh, okay." But that thought grew into the realization that each car actually belongs to a person or a family and those people might not be saved. As time passed, I was thinking less about whether the cars were from Wisconsin or Illinois or Michigan and more about the souls of the people driving them. I began to feel responsible for their salvation, which is almost silly because I was stuck on a bus... what was I supposed to do? Now that I'm home, I feel ready (and excited!) to spread the good news. "Go ye into all the world, and preach the Gospel to every creature (Mark 16:15.)"

It's been said that one of the key parts of camp is creating long-lasting friendships. I won't lie; I didn't even make an attempt at meeting any new people. Instead, I invested my free time getting to know my own youth group better. Proverbs 11:14 tells us that "where no counsel is, the people fall.. but in the multitude of counselors, there is safety." I never realized how blessed I am to be surrounded by friends who love God and who love each other. We all had a chance to be there for one other this week and it was so intimate and so personal and I absolutely loved every minute of it.

Bitterness was something else weighing heavily on my mind all week. Through God, I was able to turn that bitterness into something much bigger. I forgive you, even though you don't deserve it. See, here's the thing: I deserve Hell, yet Jesus Christ gave his life for mine. His blood was shed for all the terrible things I (Jessica Kane, specifically!) have done in my life. "Then came Peter to him, and said, 'Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Until seven times?' Jesus saith unto him, 'I say not unto thee until seven times, but until seventy times seven (Matthew 18:21-22.)" I know that you're not sorry, but I forgive you nonetheless. It's not in my hands anymore.

The only statement I can use to truly sum up my week at Northland is this: "When life gives you wires, make electricity!"

Psalms 19:7 says the law of the Lord is perfect. That simple truth is enough to free me of any discouragement or fear or sadness or anger or confusion in my life. What is meant to be will be. Even though it's hard, I trust that God will take care of me. I just need to keep reminding myself that these trials are only making my testimony for Jesus Christ stronger.

edit: God answers prayer. Everything is going to be okay.

But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your Holy Word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Thought number 1: What did I do to you that is so terrible that you can't even look at me? What's your problem? I deserve an explanation (and in a perfect world, an apology as well.)

Thought number 2: Of course! I'm always willing to give it another shot. After all, Jesus forgave the people who took His life. "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34.)" What kind of example would I be setting if I wasn't willing to forgive someone who's done wrong to me?

Thought number 3: Take a look at the big picture. Things are not always as they seem, and there are two sides to every story.

Thought number 4: Just for the sake of even numbers, kadgnkldgnjklasdgnadgjklnadgjknadgjkklndg kgnajdagndgajknadgjknadgkdgjndgjndgjnadgjdg
gkadgmnkadgmsdgklmsfhmkh
;sdghsdg
lsfhmsfhkl;mfshklnmhklsfnmhsfhs56fh1sf56h4sf5hsfg4sfgasdfgladjfnga.

Okay, my thoughts are spilled.

up against the wall

When I took some time, I thought that I would be able to come home with a clean slate and a fresh start. I thought things could be different for me.. for all of us. I thought I could do this. If I turn right, there's a problem. If I turn left, there's still a problem. I can't just stand there. I have to make a choice. I try so hard to do what's best, but it seems I always pick the wrong road.

"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.... (Matthew 5:44)"

It's so hard to grasp the concept that God just may have another plan for my life. I feel like at this point, I should be able to tell whether He's telling me something or if He's just putting me through another trial. I know what I want, and what I want makes perfect sense (to me.) I know that God's law is perfect and good, but sometimes I just don't understand it. It seems like if I do things MY way and do what I want to do, then I'll be happy. It should be that simple. But the Bible says in Psalms 16:3 that we should "commit [our] works to the Lord, and [our] thoughts will be established." I know that if I do what God leads me to do, He'll fully take care of me and my life will be blessed in return. It's just so hard sometimes knowing that there is another option. This part of my life is not meant to simply teach me something. I have a hunch that this part of my life is much bigger than that. And it's scary to know that I might be wrong. "There are many plans in a man's heart. Nevertheless, the Lord's counsel--that will stand (Psalms 19:31.)"

sometimes...

Life isn't fair.
That's something I've been told my entire life, but have been especially reminded of this past month or so.
Sometimes things don't go the way you'd planned(/hoped.)
Sometimes... things get messed up. It's never really a question of who's to blame because that doesn't matter.
Sometimes people misjudge you, leading them to say untrue (and unkind) things about you.
And sometimes it hurts.

I'm human, too. I know that because of things I've overcome in my past, people expect me to always "bounce back" and be strong all the time. But "words are like weapons, they wound sometimes." I'm not perfect. I know I've made plenty of mistakes and I haven't always set the best example. I'm not denying my past. I'm acknowledging it. I want everyone to know that if I could go back, I would do everything so differently. But I can't change the things I've done. The only thing I can control is the present (and the future.) I'm doing the best I can. I am not the same person I was two years ago. The change the Lord has made in my life is incredible. If people are unable to see how different I am, it's only because they don't want to. It took me fully relying on God alone to realize I'm (finally) okay with that. After analyzing the situation from a clear perspective, I found comfort in the fact that God weighs our hearts on honest scales. God knows my integrity. That's all that matters.

Thank you (you know who you are.)
Thank you for remaining loyal to me, despite the nasty things people have said about me.
Thank you for your indescribable amounts of support and encouragement.
Thank you for taking the time to see if I was okay.
Thank you for making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry.
Thank you for constantly setting a Christ-like example for me.
Thank you for giving me realistic, Bible-based advice when I need it.
Thank you for lending me your listening ear.
Thank you for loving me, irregardless of who I used to be.