Unfortunately, I have no insight or inspiration to offer today. Only honesty.

I(, like my mother,) am a creature of habit. I don't adjust well to change, and I've really been reminded of that this past week. I have good days and I have bad days. This transition is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I feel so guilty for being discouraged. When I start acting like this, Fanny tells me, "Jessica, listen to me. You aren't having any faith right now." And then she paraphrases Matthew 17:20 to me: "And Jesus said unto them, because of your unbelief, for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, remove hence to yonder place, and it shall remove, and nothing shall be impossible unto you." What's wrong with me? Why am I having such a difficult time grasping this concept?

I feel like crying all the time. And again, I have to ask, "Self, what's the matter with you?" There's nothing really to be sad about. The only loss I could possibly be grieving is the loss of how things used to be. I've never struggled so much with something so... normal. " " No matter what has been going on in my life, I've always been the person to stand up and walk away, keeping in mind the philosophy "life goes on." But that's the problem. Life is going on, but I'm not. I'm just standing here. Waiting. Waiting for what? It's like the whole world is flying by me, 200 mph. And I'm just standing here. Frozen. Unable to react.

The idea of all the different countless possibilities makes me want to vomit. I'm worried and I'm scared and I'm anxious. And I know how wrong all of that is because it's not my job to worry about my future. God is in control (this is a perfect example of how I have to remind myself of little truths like that numerous times a day) and I know that because God's will is perfect, what is meant to be will be. "Commit thy way unto the Lord. Trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass (Psalms 37:5.)" Why am I worrying? Why am I so scared? What is there to be afraid of when God's right here next to me? I always tell people not to worry about things they're unable to control... so why am I worrying?

(P.S. Pray for me. Please?)