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I went to the library with Nikki today. I was skimming the DVD section (I've never rented a DVD from the public library in my life) and I ran across one of Rob Bell's NOOMA videos. I checked it out, and we came home and watched it.

(It was a random selection, yet) it was exactly what I needed.

"You and I have pasts, families that we come from, things that we've done, mistakes that we've made and where we've been and what we've done has shaped us into who we are today. We have to embrace our story, our history. You don't have to be proud of it, but you must claim it because it's yours. I mean only when we can own our history for what is it--the good, the bad, everything in between--can we ever begin to answer the question, "What is your name?" I mean, do you wish you were someone else? Or something else? From that family instead of your own? With those abilities instead of the ones you've been given? With that body instead of the one that's yours? What is that to you? She has her path, he has his path, they have their paths, and you have your path."

I can't change who I was or what I've done. But I will change who I'm going to be.

Contrary to popular belief(s), she has always been a good friend to me. We might not have always been the "best" for each other, but she has always been a good friend to me.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21.)"

I feel that it is my job to be completely honest with everyone who reads my blog. The truth is.. I can't handle the truth right now. I don't feel strong enough to focus on the future, let alone the present. In the meantime, I'm going to show you who I used to be and compare it to who I am now with what I know now. Reading my old journal entries makes me cringe because of how vulgar I was and because of all the different ways I mocked God and sin. Praise the Lord He loved (loves) me enough to correct my lifestyle and behavior.

March 2, 2006
"everyone i trust lies."

Everyone lies, whether I trust them or not. I shouldn't have taken it so personally. It's our sinful, human nature to embellish the truth sometimes or leave elements out of stories. I don't think that makes us bad people necessarily.. I think it makes us human. I know I (still) lie. More importantly, there's finally Someone in my life who is always truthful with me.. and that's God.

March 3, 2006
"nobody has a clean slate with me. i cant trust anybody. i hate you all."

I have a clean slate through the blood of Jesus Christ. I believe now that it's the least I can do to show other's that same respect because Jesus did. I've also learned these past few years that if you don't trust someone from the beginning, you're assuming the worst about them and that's not really fair for either of you. I know first hand that "not trusting" those around us feels safe and secure, but the real safety comes in putting our trust in God. And hate is overrated. If we claim to hate others, then the love of God is not in us. Jesus loved (loves) everyone, irregardless of (fill in the blank...) so why shouldn't we?

March 22, 2006
"and im going to be dragged off to the last place i want to be tonight....CHURCH. yeah okay... so this [stinks.]"

I had to laugh at this one. Thompson Road Baptist Church is my absolute favorite place to be in the whole world. I love every single person there, and for the most part, they love me back. I love my youth group. I love the teenagers in there, I love all the activities we do as a team, and I love the things I learn through preaching, observing, and experience. I love all of the adults there--they've set such an example for my Christian walk. It's so strange to think that there was a time in my life where I dreaded going to church.

April 12, 2006
"ive come to the conclusion that nobody really knows me. that sounds kind of cliche, but its true. and i dont mind because i dont think i want them to."

As most of you have been able to see through my writing, I believe in honesty and transparency. I used to be terrified of crying. I didn't cry for such a long time, and I avoided my problems and my feelings due to that fear. I thought that once I started crying, I might never stop. That changed this past summer. I really let people take a look inside my life. I do my best to be open with people about what I'm struggling with. And, as odd as it is, I welcome tears now. I was so numb to any sort of emotion for such a long time that I'm grateful to feel alive again (and I know how strange that sounds to anyone who has never felt that way.)

April 20, 2006
"i dont feel real anymore. sometimes its like im just existing, not living."

Until I got saved at the end of July, my life was empty. My life didn't have any meaning and there really was no purpose for me. No wonder I felt like I wasn't living! Now that I've got Christ in my heart, I know better.

April 26, 2006
"happiness gives people something to look forward to..which is a piece of hypocrisy all in itself, because nothing anybody looks forward to is good. if you ever stumble upon someone in your life who is truly happy.....its because theyre on drugs because doctors believe the only way is to drug your personality away. it doesn't make sense. why does sadness exist so strongly but happiness is fake? now, me, i wouldn't say im happy. i would say im content. i know my life is kind of [hard] but im okay with that because i know theres nothing i can do to fix it. there is a big difference between content and happiness, and its not that one doesn't exist. being content means accepting things, and either trying to change them for the better or moving on. i feel like a fake, because people think im happy. i feel so guilty!!! its not that im sad, its not that i even care. i dont care about a thing. i really wish i knew what was wrong with me. i wish i knew where these thoughts were coming from, because they arent me. i dont think this big and im starting to scare myself. im not depressed, nor do i want to die or anything of the sort. these feelings? they mean nothing, nothing at all."

Wow. Was I on crack? I am happier now than I've ever been in my whole entire life. God has led me to do one some of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but my heart still rests in perfect peace. Even when it seems like nothing can get any worse (it always can and usually does,) I still have the biggest smile on my face because I know that Jesus Christ died for me and He CARES about what I'm going through. He cares about whether or not I'm really okay. He loves me! I matter to Him! I'm not just another teenager at another high school with another struggle. I'm important to Jesus Christ! I haven't done anything to earn that, either. And I'm so joyful (all the time!) because of all the things He has done in my life.

July 21, 2006
"that night i realized so much about life. you cant trust anyone, and you cant let anyone in, because they'll only break your heart."

I did learn a lot about life that particular day. It's true, I'm still reeling from the effects of that situation. But I'm stronger now. I am able to trust again without fear of betrayal. I'm able to open up my heart to others, and I have. It wasn't fair to stick a disloyal label on every person in my life because of one mistake made by someone who used to be very close to me. I've grown from that and I feel stronger than ever.

September 24, 2006
"this is what my myspace should really say:

'my name is jessica
im a [jerk]
i dont deserve friends
i hurt people i care about
i hate to see people cry
im always in a bad mood
and i always take it out on everyone
i never smile
and if i laugh its usually sarcastic
im not content with the life i lead because i know theres something more out there'

but i couldn't put that on there?! "

Wow #2! This description is the antithesis (Mr. Wall would be so proud) of the person I am today. By God's grace I've compeltely turned my life around. I wouldn't describe myself as a "jerk," and I don't think anyone that really knows me would either. I always try to be kind. Everyone deserves a friend. If I happen to hurt someone I love, it's not intentional. (Despite the fact that I'm finally okay with crying.. I still hate it when those around me cry. It breaks my heart a little bit.) I have my days when I'm "glass half empty" and I'm in a bad mood, but I try not to make that attitude a habit. I try to remain cheerful and optimistic. I smile and genuinely laugh all the time. And I'm more than content with my life at this point... because I do know there's something more out there. That something is God and He's given me a purpose here and a reason to live.

November 19, 2006
"i am starting to feel like life in general is pointless and it scares me. people make such a big deal out of making the best of everyday and living life to the fullest and everybody tries so hard to make it seem worth it and the only reward they get is death. it just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore"

If you're saved, in a way, this life is pointless. But only because nothing compares to the days ahead. If you know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, you can look forward to an eternity with Him in Heaven. I think this entry clearly proves more than any other that I didn't know God. Although I sense initial sarcasm, death really WILL be a reward for Christians because we will finally get to see Jesus face-to-face.

January 17, 2007
"sometimes, they fall short. life is funny sometimes...it can push pretty hard, but if you look close enough you find hope"

That all depends on where you look. I wasn't looking in the right place for such a long period of my life. But I was right, you can find hope... hope in Christ.

To be continued...maybe.

Where did communication begin to fail us as individuals? If you love God, you don't treat people this way. Period.

"Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me (Micah 7:8.)"

Life isn't slowing down anytime soon. And although I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, I'm having a hard time keeping up.

In English class, I've been learning about filling my writing with reactions. "React, don't record!" Reactions are supposed to involve my opinions, my thoughts, my ideas, my views, etc. When life presents us with hardships, our reaction is that of surprise. Why? God has kept no secrets from us. He has made it very clear that while we are following the "road of life," we will face challenges. So much lies in how we react during difficult times. My peers see me at school reading my devotional during lunch and they take notice of the shirts I wear with Bible verses all over them. My friends know much I love God and they're watching me because I'm supposed to set the standard. No matter how stressful my trials are, I need to set a positive example for others that gives God the glory through my actions and through my words. Besides, struggles are so brief compared to the days ahead. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:14.)"

Next time you throw a rock into a pond, pay attention to the result. The rock causes a ripple in the pond, slowly affecting every inch of that particular body of water. The same is true for the way we behave. Actions bear consequences. We fail to realize that our choices (good or bad) affect everybody around us in one way or another. Our intentions might not always match up with the intended outcome, and sometimes people we love are hurt because of that. Life isn't available in black and/or white all the time. There are unavoidable shades of gray. And we need to be more careful for that reason.

I need transparency right now. I need to be surrounded by people who aren't afraid to weep with me. I need something real, something painful. Something messy. I need someone to look at me and think something other than, "Oh, that's so sad for you, but really I'm just glad it's not happening to me."

"I'm being petty. Remind me that all is vanity?"
"Vanity of vanities; all is vanity. Whatever it is doesn't matter because you have God now."



I have been overly blessed with amazing best friends.

I'm painting my room bright purple tomorrow. You might find that a bit odd considering my room is already painted my favorite colors (pink and green.) My room and everything I had on my walls represented the "old man," an old life in which I don't want to be tied to anymore. I have a clean slate, so I figured the place I spend most of my time should have one also. "Luckily" for me, my parents agreed.

(The quotation marks were added as a reminder that I don't believe in luck. I believe in God.)

love them like Jesus

I'll make you a deal.

First of all, I'm going to pray for a revival in your heart because I don't think you know what it feels like to experience true joy in Christ. Of course, only God can know for sure. I'm only going by what I've observed. From what I can tell, you don't exhibit any of the fruits of the spirit. You don't (seem to) have a genuine want to learn more about Jesus and the Bible. And it doesn't seem that your attitude is anywhere near where it needs to be. I'll let you in on a little secret I've learned: it's not all about you, just like it's not all about me. It's about God. It is all about God, all the time, 24 hours a day. I don't think glorifying God is your number one priority and that concerns me.

In addition to prayer, I have another plan for you. I'm willing to make a trade that I consider very fair. In exchange for all the times you've put yourself smack-dab in the middle of my life and my business and for all the times you've made rude and unnecessary comments to me and about me.. I am going to love you anyway.

You see, Jesus was(/is) perfect. Nobody had any reason to hate Him, but they did. I'm nowhere near perfect. It's okay that you don't like me, despite the fact that I've done nothing but show you kindness. If I hadn't been transformed, I probably wouldn't like you either. We're both sinners (we're all sinners.) When all is said and done, I'm no different than you are.

I'm going to pray for you and continue to show you love and kindness. It's not about "what Jesus would do." No. It's about what Jesus did do.

in brokenness i can see that this was Your will for me

(I want summer back. But anyway,)

I think a lot of "unhappy" people considers themselves to be that way because they dwell on the past too deeply and too often. I admit, if I were to focus on everything that's happened these past few years, on every friendship I wish had turned out differently or how much I miss Jon, I might start to feel melancholy also.

We need to focus on the present and the future because that's where the hope lies. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for (Hebrews 11:1.)" Focus on what you can do for Christ and for those around you. We're only human--we're unable to change the past. We hear that all the time and I think we have become immune to how true that statement is. It's okay to reminisce every once and awhile, but it's a dangerous place to hover. I understand that moving on might seem scary and it might be a huge step out of our personal comfort zones, but I think it's certainly worth a shot when we compare it to our other choice(s.) Keep what's important--don't forget lessons learned. Instead, take those lessons and apply them to the way your life is now.

(I stole this idea from ninth grade me.

July 29, 2006

so ive been thinking about a lot of stuff lately
and i have decided one way to ensure happiness is...:
never look back

that probably sounds really stupid but think about it
if you sit and think about all the memories that you had with someone
memories that made you laugh and memories that were happy
and you compare those memories to what you have now
which.... well, you dont have that person at all
its going to make you sad, not only because you lost it, but because you once had it
that probably doesnt make sense
but if you sit around all day and cry and think about how great things used to be, you arent going to move on
i think all you need to focus on is the future and all the great things it can bring
dont stay stuck in the past, youll only stay there and not be able to proceed further with your life
more people need to accept that things are just never going to be the way they used to be, no matter how much you think about it
so why even bother looking back? it wont change anything, it will just make you feel [bad]

yeah, so thats my random piece of advice for the day
i dont think i explained that very well but i think everyone knows what i mean
looking back is deadly, it can kill you, inside and out
stay focused on your goals and what you really want out of life and i think youll be okay)