The chains of yesterday surround me.

All over again. All over again. All over again. I'm forced to watch every step and catch every word because I am only one step away from disappointing everyone all over again. Despite the infinite amount of energy this so-called life has taken from me, I don't think it would be possible for me to knowingly fall short (again.) I did something today that was so hard to do but needed to be done. I took a leap of faith. I made a gesture. I fell. Hard. Flat on my face. Never again. Never again. Never again. I don't know which is worse--wasting a lifetime feeling hopeless when there was, in fact, a light at the end of the tunnel or having faith that one day things will turn around and eventually realizing they never will. Waking up from a pleasant dream and knowing it couldn't possibly come true or screaming because of a nightmare that very well could happen tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Wisdom always chooses these black eyes and these bruises over the heartache that they say never completely goes away. Time heals? No. Time waters feelings down, and time causes (some) memories to fade but time doesn't heal. I have yet to wake up on a bright and sunny morning only to discover that I'm finally okay. I'm not okay. It still hurts. It still hurts. It still hurts. I'm falling and I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers. I want this to stop. It never existed and that never happened. You weren't there. I need you to not be there. I need to close my eyes at night in search of peace and rest and not see the outline your perfect face. I can't do it. Every day. All the time. Never ceasing, never starting. Out of sight, out of mind. Right? Wrong. Go away. Get out of my head. You were all so stupid to believe in me, to have faith that I could overcome this because I can't. I can't. I can't.