Written 05/19/07.

When did it start? When will it end?
Will it ever end? Are you going to be there every time I turn around?
I hope not.
Was it always about tangible things, or did it begin with the lies?
The broken promises? Nothing but self-loathing and jealousy?
Will this feeling ever stop?
Those song lyrics were never written about us.
I knew it all along. Did you always know, too?
Who did we think we were kidding?
My heart quit beating for you the moment you chose something that you wanted over my safety.
You promised me.
And I'm the selfish one? No. No, I don't think that's ever been the case.
That was back in October. Did you love me then?
Why don't you care that you've lost me? Why aren't you fighting for me?
Why do I expect you to?
Just when I thought you couldn't hurt me anymore, you proved me wrong.
You didn't stab me in the back. You stabbed me in the heart.
And you twisted the knife all around. And then you did it again.
I'm not a "fake," and I'm not unoriginal. I know that.
There is a huge difference between "borrowing ideas" and being "fake."
Everything that exists exists because of borrowed ideas.
Is it really over now, for good? Am I finally free?
Or will this be something that haunts me until my dying day?
Did I make the wrong decision? Did you?
Did we ever make the right decision?
No.
I would have done anything for you. I took the biggest fall of my life for you.
I'm still suffering consequences from that.
I gave up so much for you. I gave up my best friend for you.
And she's not coming back. I wish like hell she was here, but she's not.
I was always there for you when you needed me.
Always.
Will you still call me late at night? Will you still be there to hold my hand?
No.
You made everything my fault.
I tried so hard to make you the happiest person alive, but I was never good enough.
I'm still not good enough.
I did it all for you. I didn't live my life for anyone but you.
I don't know how I feel.
Maybe I'm relieved. Maybe I'm hurt. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm not even affected at all.
Or maybe I've been so far gone all for of these years that even I can't tell the difference anymore.
I can't feel a thing at all.