I've had somewhat of an epiphany. Now, this happened a few days back, but I feel I should reprimand myself publically for the many, many attitude faults I've been exhibiting lately. (Perhaps some of you will sleep better tonight.) It happened while I was in the shower, singing the well-known hymn "Rejoice in the Lord." I sing in the shower often, but for some reason, the words to this song really spoke to me. The song reminded me of so many truths I hadn't necessarily forgotten, but rather had abandoned. Par exemple:

1. "God never moves without purpose or plan." (God has a specific purpose for everything He does, and everything He leads us to do. If He didn't have a reason for some of the things He does, He would be cruel. I don't know about you, but the God I serve is anything but cruel--everything He does is good. Because of that, I can always rest in the fact that He knows what He's doing and there is, in fact, a reason.)
2. "Give thanks to the Lord, though your testing seems long.. in darkness, He giveth a song."
3. "I bowed to the will of the Master that day, then peace came and tears fled away."
4. "Now, I can see testing comes from above. God strengthens His children and purges in love!"
5. "When I am tried and crucified, I shall come forth as gold."

After I got out of the shower, I felt this deep urgency to make things right with God. To fill you in, I couldn't tell you when the last time I read my Bible was. Or really, really prayed. I didn't realize that distancing myself from everyone around me also caused me to distance myself from God. Even after realizing all of this, I'm still not sure if I can open my heart up to God and hide it from others. I just don't know if those are two events that can coexist in my life, but I'm going to give it a shot.

My attitude lately has been rotten, and I know that a lot of people around me have picked up on that. I'm acknowledging that it's been wrong. I am not proud of the way I have been acting, but at the same time, I won't deny it. I feel that when someone you love hurts you, you have every right to be angry. That doesn't, however, give you the right to be cruel towards others, and it doesn't give you the right to wallow in self-pity. That's what I've been doing. It's much easier than facing the truth. The fact that "I'm human" isn't an excuse for my behavior. Yes, I am human, and yes, I am a sinner because of that. But I know better. I heard somewhere that dubbing a situation hopeless is like slamming the door right in the face of God. I see a lot of truth in that.

I am a leader, not a follower. With a title like that, it's safe to assume a lot of different people study me and watch how I react to certain situations. It's entirely possible I've disappointed many of you with the way I chose to react--I've disappointed myself. It's always easier to picture ourselves reacting to something devastating in a tactful, composed manner. It's always easier when the shoe is on the other foot, no? I'm confident in saying that unless heartbreak is something you've personally experienced (and it's a feeling I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy,) you have no idea what it's like. Nevertheless, I won't use that as an excuse anymore.

I rest in the fact that the God I serve is a just God. God is loyal to those who love Him and who glorify Him. It's not our job to be vengeful. I know that God will take care of this situation in the most honorable way possible--but I have faith that those who have been unfaithful to Him will learn their lesson the hard way.

(We've already been there and done that, but what you did to me was unprovoked, unkind, and flat-out wrong. So, just for old times sake, I know that you're not sorry, but I forgive you anyway.)

Consider this a public declaration of my remorse and gained understanding. Consider this proof that I know the difference between right and wrong. Consider this a reason to hold me accountable if my attitude isn't where it needs to be from now on. Lastly, consider this an apology to anyone who feels he/she deserves one from me.